I’ve wandered back into the world of SSRIs. It’s a fact that I do not like admitting. I thought I could do it alone. I thought I was “cured”. Instead I am back in the never-ending game of finding a med to balance me out and a therapist to hear me out.

I have grown a lot emotionally over the last 2 years, but its difficult to admit I haven’t grown enough. My self-awareness can only take me so far. Putting Armani in tears not once but twice in 24 hours was the last straw. My need to self-sabotage, black and white thinking, wild mood swings, and self-hate were attacking me at full force.

I have vowed to make this round of treatment different. I refuse to settle for less than 100% and not give 100% back. I have never unveiled my true self, feelings, or past to even those I have went to for help. It’s different. I am completely uncensored in hope for an answer and treatment plan. I want to uncover the source of my never-ending state of turmoil.

I have struggled to deal with my own issues without medical assistance for the last 1.5 years due to losing my job and lack of medical insurance coverage. I was beyond elated to make a psychiatrist appointment using my new medical insurance coverage. Honestly, elated is an understatement

I randomly chose a psychiatrist that was located close to my work. A new psychiatrist for a new start. I didn’t particularly have anything against my previous psych but I did settle for feeling less than I should have and was not always honest with him.

I wanted and needed a fresh new beginning…

The appointment went well. Tears were shed. I do not deny I am an emotional trainwreck. I felt comfortable speaking to her but couldn’t help but feel as if she thought I was lying, holding back, or exagerating. This was probably more my self-doubt than anything else. I didn’t mention past diagnoses. She didnt diagnose me. I was okay with that. I didn’t ask. I didn’t need an answer. At least at that moment.

We stumbled through my list of previous prescriptions dating back to 1998. The decision was made that I would try Zoloft, an SSRI that I hadn’t tried in the past and continue taking Ativan. In all honesty, I scoffed at the Zoloft and was unsure if I would follow through with my promise to try it.

I ended the session by proactively asking for a reputable therapist who wouldn’t give in to my tricky manipulation as the last therapist I saw did.

After much swaying to take the Zoloft or not I decided my new approach to becoming well would only work if I went in with an open mind and was honest. I am not new to the SSRI scene. I have taken Effexor, Prozac, Paxil, and Lexapro in the past. My body is not tolerable at the beginning of the prescribed regimen. Knowing this I decided to begin the medication on a Friday and by Sunday morning I felt like death. I was struck with extreme anxiety, fatigue, and a throbbing headache. The headache faded by Monday morning but the anxiety and fatigue continued throughout the week. I emailed my doctor asking for a longer acting benzo as the 1 mg Ativan I was taking twice daily was not cutting it. She prescribed Klonopin .50 mg which I began taking that Wednesday.

I felt more focused, patient, under control, and outgoing by the end of the 1st week of the beginning dose but the anxiety was still strong, racing thoughts, and splitting were still evident.

I increased the dose this past Friday. I am feeling just as anxious and as fatigued as I did when beginning my 1st dose. Although, now my sex drive is lacking and I spend the majority of the day nauseated.

I fully intend to give Zoloft a fair chance but my promise to accept nothing but 100% in this course of treatment is my intention.

I think I have mentioned before that my Mom is a huge fan of purchasing socks, underwear, and pajamas for me.

Her most recent purchases included martini socks and hot pink fleece adult footed pajamas adorned in skulls. Armani loves when I rock the pajamas.

She also likes to purchase random shit for me assuming I need or want it.

I figured I would share some of her most recent purchases.

A Cafe Latte maker. I am unsure what this little gadget does. The box says something about adding ice cream and coffee?

Life is already complicated enough. I do not need an additional gadget to feed my caffeine addiction, or do I?

Air Mattresses. I was a little confuzzled with this purchases, as I have a click-bed in the extra bedroom for overnight visitors which we rarely have. Our overnight visitors consist of my younger brother’s friends who are too intoxicated to drive home. Its rare that they even make it to the couch in the living room. They usually just fall asleep on the kitchen floor or on a chaise in the backyard with a beer in their hand. I questioned the reason for this purchases. She figured we could use them for the pool. Are you serious? We have a 12×18 pool and

A single CD of Britney Spears “Hit me baby one more time” What? When I asked why she bought this, she responded “Look how young she is!” CONVERSATION ENDED.

A small plaque that says “Do not trust a man that doesn’t drink”. I am thinking she just liked this and couldn’t have it at her house because my stepdad doesn’t drink. This is what I figure, who knows if that is
indeed the case.

Bulk sized containers of Jelly Beans, Jolly Ranchers and Pretzels. I am not complaining. I will take them.

After a recent trip to Armani’s Mom’s house we came home with a few random items and a few random items that were sneakily snuck into our bag before we left. I quickly learned my Mom isn’t the only mother who likes to give random nonsense. We have a new CD/radio alarm clock, with dual alarms. We wake up to a Santana song played by
a Hawaiian coverband.

Can you ever leave your parent’s house without random nonsense and leftover food?

I have learned quite a few things and be forewarned many are clique…

1.  You have to look at unemployment as something positive and that positivity has to begin the moment you are laid off or fired.

2.  Take advantage of many of the things you couldn’t do or weren’t as easy to do when employed.  The little things; such as shopping during non-peak hours, visiting museums on FREE or discounted days, neighborhood farmer’s markets, free workshops offered by your community, garage sales, book clubs, etc.  Really this list could be endless.

3.  Pick one thing you have always wanted to learn and learn it.  Whether that be a computer program, instrument, sport, etc.  As you progress, stop to give yourself a pat on the back.

4.  Pamper yourself with at-home manicures, pedicures, facials, etc.

5.  Visit family and friends who are out of state and willing to let you crash with them.  Airfare can often be found at a reasonable rate when you have a large open window of when you can travel.

6.  FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY

7.  Finding romance when your unemployed isn’t impossible and you should embrace it if it happens to come your way.  Hey look at Armani and me.

8.  Don’t worry as much as you want to about your finances as God never gives us more than we can handle.  Things work themselves out.  By all means I do not mean not pay your bills but embrace the little budget you have and work with it.

9.  NEVER EVER give up and when you do pick up the phone and call a close friend or family member.  Remember you are unemployed and that does not equal destined for failure, rather open to new opportunities.

10.  Get your life in order.  You have the time to organize your piles of paperwork, overflowing closet, and small projects around the house.  I found doing small at home projects to be the most rewarding work I have ever done.  Give it a try. Swing a hammer.

11.  COOK!

12.  Most importantly remember you are not alone and when one door closes another door opens.

I jumped the gun in my last post as I do not start work until this Wednesday, tomorrow. SQUEEL. I am all sorts of nervous but excited and full of energy.

I am still in lala land over my new job which starts MONDAY.  I am going through a 2 day orientation and then my first REAL day of employment is Wednesday. I am pretty sure I will get zilch sleep on Sunday night anticipating Monday as if it was Christmas.  I am that EXCITED.  I mean it has been 18 months since I was given the ol’ heave-ho from my last position

I have been busy getting everything I need to get in order before I rejoin the workforce.  WHICH has been quite the fricking project.  It depresses me that it took getting a job to get my ass in gear.  What have I been doing for the past 18 months? Which leads me to my next question. Why does time go by faster as you get older?

Wow! I can honestly say things are falling into place.  I feel energized and excited for the future.  I completed Step 8 of the Make Today Matter program. The step focuses on starting your morning off right which pretty much means in a positive seize the day manner.  Simple enough, right?  It’s almost too simple and often mornings are attached to feelings of blah and grumpiness without even ones knowledge.  Mornings set the scene and mood for what the rest of your day brings.

Repeat after me… “GOOD Morning!”

I plan on waking up every morning and writing “Good Morning” in my CAN (Catch All Notebook) which I will talk about in a future post because I have been cleaning for 3423432 hours and my eyes are growing heavy.  Then again I will probably not fall asleep until 3am because Armani is still in the hospital.

So ya… Life is GOOD. Real GOOD. I am not going to deny it.

I gots a job bitches!

After enduring an excruciating hour telephone interview that included all crazy get in your head questions, 4 hour technical in-person interview with 5 different people, application process which had to include 3 personal references, an online reference questionnaire to be completed in 48 hours by 3 past coworkers and 2 past supervisors, credit check, background check, and education check.

I received the telephone call Friday and had tears in my eyes. I actually missed the call and returned the call.  In true K fashion I was afraid, I thought it would be another rejection to file with the others and put another dent in my dwindling self-esteem, but NOPE.

Instead, it was a telephone call with an offer of an amount that was even more than I had been making at my last REAL* position and I am not talking this nightmare, 160 hours of PTO (Paid Time Off), 7 holidays plus 2 additional floating holidays, medical, dental, and vision effective START DATE which happens to be June 9th, a senior staff position, and a bunch of other little perks that make me glow.

When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
~Author Unknown

Note: I have a lot more to talk about but unfortunately Armani was hospitalized last night due to a busted Pancreas.  CUE REALLY REALLY worried girlfriend.

I’m a mess. I am discombobulated.  My time management skills I acquired from being a kick-ass executive assistant went out the window when I lost my job. The depression and anxiety I deal with on a daily basis make it difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning.  My energy level is NULL.

I need to change. So, when I was offered an opportunity to begin the “Make Today Matter” program by Brook Noel I jumped on it.

I am currently working through the program’s Phase I which is often referred to the program’s “toolbox” consisting of the 30 basics ingredients of fulfilling a more balanced and organized life.

Thus far I am liking the program.  What do I like most about the program?  It’s interactive.  You openly interact with seasoned users and beginners of the program in open forums expressing your experiences and showing support with others in your group.

Let’s “cheers” to a more energized, organized, and balanced K in the near future.

where I deleted my blog, had a heart attack, and called Bluehost and they fixed it?

ya… I HATED that time, but anywho I am back with a vengeance and only lost my last few posts and I am not going to complain about that.