I’ve wandered back into the world of SSRIs. It’s a fact that I do not like admitting. I thought I could do it alone. I thought I was “cured”. Instead I am back in the never-ending game of finding a med to balance me out and a therapist to hear me out.
I have grown a lot emotionally over the last 2 years, but its difficult to admit I haven’t grown enough. My self-awareness can only take me so far. Putting Armani in tears not once but twice in 24 hours was the last straw. My need to self-sabotage, black and white thinking, wild mood swings, and self-hate were attacking me at full force.
I have vowed to make this round of treatment different. I refuse to settle for less than 100% and not give 100% back. I have never unveiled my true self, feelings, or past to even those I have went to for help. It’s different. I am completely uncensored in hope for an answer and treatment plan. I want to uncover the source of my never-ending state of turmoil.
I have struggled to deal with my own issues without medical assistance for the last 1.5 years due to losing my job and lack of medical insurance coverage. I was beyond elated to make a psychiatrist appointment using my new medical insurance coverage. Honestly, elated is an understatement
I randomly chose a psychiatrist that was located close to my work. A new psychiatrist for a new start. I didn’t particularly have anything against my previous psych but I did settle for feeling less than I should have and was not always honest with him.
I wanted and needed a fresh new beginning…
The appointment went well. Tears were shed. I do not deny I am an emotional trainwreck. I felt comfortable speaking to her but couldn’t help but feel as if she thought I was lying, holding back, or exagerating. This was probably more my self-doubt than anything else. I didn’t mention past diagnoses. She didnt diagnose me. I was okay with that. I didn’t ask. I didn’t need an answer. At least at that moment.
We stumbled through my list of previous prescriptions dating back to 1998. The decision was made that I would try Zoloft, an SSRI that I hadn’t tried in the past and continue taking Ativan. In all honesty, I scoffed at the Zoloft and was unsure if I would follow through with my promise to try it.
I ended the session by proactively asking for a reputable therapist who wouldn’t give in to my tricky manipulation as the last therapist I saw did.
After much swaying to take the Zoloft or not I decided my new approach to becoming well would only work if I went in with an open mind and was honest. I am not new to the SSRI scene. I have taken Effexor, Prozac, Paxil, and Lexapro in the past. My body is not tolerable at the beginning of the prescribed regimen. Knowing this I decided to begin the medication on a Friday and by Sunday morning I felt like death. I was struck with extreme anxiety, fatigue, and a throbbing headache. The headache faded by Monday morning but the anxiety and fatigue continued throughout the week. I emailed my doctor asking for a longer acting benzo as the 1 mg Ativan I was taking twice daily was not cutting it. She prescribed Klonopin .50 mg which I began taking that Wednesday.
I felt more focused, patient, under control, and outgoing by the end of the 1st week of the beginning dose but the anxiety was still strong, racing thoughts, and splitting were still evident.
I increased the dose this past Friday. I am feeling just as anxious and as fatigued as I did when beginning my 1st dose. Although, now my sex drive is lacking and I spend the majority of the day nauseated.
I fully intend to give Zoloft a fair chance but my promise to accept nothing but 100% in this course of treatment is my intention.