oh hey… its me K.

I have been keeping my unemployed ass pretty busy becoming quite the domestic diva.  Alright… attempting to be quite the domestic diva.

The last couple of weeks have been interesting.  I may or may not have…

drank so much I pissed the bed with ARMANI in it

almost burned the house down while cooking Fillet Mignon in a frying pan

flopped cooking corned beef in a fucking crockpot

a puppy who finally has learned PAW!

googled how to make grilled cheese

took 4 pregnancy tests (no, im not pregnant PHEW!)

bought Boom Ball off of Amazon.com and lost the balls it came with in less than 2 days

played Guitar Hero for my FIRST time ever and sucked

a boyfriend who really really wants a goped

went gokarting in a skirt

totally been slacking with going to the place that keeps me from turning into an oompah loompah

tanned in WEEKS because of this

spent many many hours working hard on my farm… on facebook

bought adorable dixie cups

So as you can see I may or may not have been pretty busy lately.  You be the judge!

I plug my ears when my bitch personal trainer, who I haven’t seen in over a month, tells me I will never lose the belly fat if I keep binge drinking.

LYING BITCH!

After looking at a horrific picture of myself taken at Bacci’s birthday this past Sunday I am beginning to think its the truth.  The picture would make anyone turn into a chain smoking, celery eating, coke snorting whore but I have somemorals and self-respect. I figured it was time to search the webs for an even lower sugar/carb/calorie drink.

I came across the Skinny Bitch and quickly concocted a plan.  I am going to attempt to cease drinking for a month.  This is nothing more than an attempt because I do have a bottle of raspberry vodka sitting on my dresser and Easter is Sunday.  NO promises.  I’m not going to go skimming through archives to find the posts where I weep about my life without booze because they are not my most interesting posts but I have quit drinking for a month and I am not going to lie it sucked.

Anyhow, when I return to the binge drinking beast that I am I will be ordering Skinny Bitches all night long and attempt to not order a Grey Goose and Red Bull as the night goes on.  No, this does not mean I am going to join the coke whore piling into the bathroom stalls or in the corner booths doing coke from their acrylic fingernails.

The web also tells me that Absolute has the least sugar of any vodka.  Is this true?

Note:  Chicago can we please coin that drink “skinny bitch”? I would love to be able to slur “gimme a skinny motherfucking bitch” rather than Absolute, Diet, Lime, make it snappy!  While I am requesting things would you please make Diet Red Bull more available? Ya know, in case I slip up later in the night because I am getting old.

P.S. I don’t think my plan will work.  If you know me at all you will know its all about me testing myself. 

You could say that but I would say “crabby” is an understatement.

My calves ache like nothing I have ever felt before.  Perhaps the way childbirth may feel.  Thanks to my new personal trainer for painful calves.  The thing is I do not want my hugegigantic calves gaining anymore muscle than they already have.  I will be having a talking to with my new personal trainer tomorrow.  I thought I said that I want to work on my lack of abs and arms?  That’s what I thought I had said. Did I mention my new personal trainer is a real ballerina?

Frappe cancelled out on our plan for dinner and a movie tonight.  Actually, he politely asked me to venture to his side of town and I told him in my exact words, “I am crabby.  I don’t want to drive.  I am pissed off.  I will see you tomorrow.”  The thing is he works 11 to 15 hour days and 6-7 days a week.  I work 0 hours a day and 0 hours a week.  I didn’t get the job.  Of course Frappe owns a business and doesn’t have a normal 9-5 job.  Good thing dating men who are obsessed with the almighty dollar is one of my specialites!  I am used to this as none of my previous boyfriends had “real” jobs either.  It just sucks in the beginning of a relationship when I don’t believe in giving at all and only in receiving.

My car not starting because of the horrific bone chilling cold, freezing my gas line. At least that’s what my Step-Dad said. I just nodded as my nasal passages froze and lips turned blue. Apparently, I need “gas line antifreeze.” I’m sorry I didn’t know I lived in Alaska and I had no clue where one puts “anitfreeze”.

The freezing cold resulted in me talking to my bestest J for 3 hours via the telephone. We live less than a mile from each other but the Chicago weather has obviously turned us into 2 telephone loving cabin fevered freaks with earaches.

My lunging leg wobbling in defeat as I did lunge/hamstring curls using 10 lb weights. I was a Bacci hair short of passing out. My personal trainer had to hand feed me a 100c pack of mini muffins. A bite of a Fiber One bar before the gym does not work out well for me.

The surprise that my personal trainer is pregnant. She sprung the news on me as I was huffing and puffing on the elliptical. No worries. She plans on working out until the day she goes into labor. Isn’t laziness a part of pregnancy? Hell, if I ever am cursed blessed with a child one day when I am old and all boozed out, I will be all about French Fries and daytime television. I’m kidding kind of.

Today I reached an all time low and hid my Triple Sec and Schnapps because it looks like the liquor in them was slowly dropping. Momma is hitting the sauce again. She has polished off a bottle of Everclear when in desperation hence my reason for hiding the booze. I am pretty sure even the cough medicine and rubbing alcohol are options for her.

L not returning my text. The text read, “Was ExAss circumcised?” It was a serious question. I really am unsure. I think I have decided he was uncircumcised.

I spent an hour emailing a man of Greek origin. 

Chicago nightlife is hurting with the recession and the crippling cold. Its hurting so bad that I received cold calls rather than text messages trying to coerce my ass out in the cold. The calls offered free chair massages and free cover through 2009. The recession and my lack of job will not keep me from enjoying the Chicago nightlife but negative degree weather will. I’m not even sure a free fur coat would get me out tonight.

One of my best guy friends decided to propose to his “ginger” girlfriend on New Years Eve. I just found out today via word of mouth. I am not going to lie, I am kind of hurt. I introduced them. I hope my prize is not being invited to the wedding.

Thank goodness I didn’t waste much time blogging about all of the above because I have Style Network waiting for me with my best friends Split Ends and Clean House.

How does one bring their 14 year old sister to a personal training session, wind up joining the personal training session, almost die, and then sign up for 30 personal training sessions?

How?

Yes… I did look like an unfit monster next to my svelte 100 pound sister.

In other news, I swindled my stepdad into buying my NYE dress.  Actually, he offered as I do not swindle my parents for anything.  The roof over my head and food in my belly is enough.  I also accept the economy sized boxes of Fiber One bars and 100 calorie Pita Chips my Mom brings home from Costco with open arms.  Ya… they have 100 calorie packs of Pita Chips at Costco.  Fabulous?  You betcha.

My NYE dress was purchased and cancelled in 15 minutes flat.  I sent the link to L and she gave it the thumbs down.  I quickly engaged in an online chat with a Nordies representative who cancelled the order.  This was the dress.

I know I havent been posting updates on a daily even weekly basis on my running progress but I am trotting along and not giving up. 

I recently purchased a running - accelerator watch from REI and realized it wasnt for me and would like to give it away here on the bloggy.  It has been used once.

You can learn more about it here.  I just ask that you enter in the comments and spread the news about the giveaway. 

I will be drawing a winner on November 11th.

LE SIGH.  I hurt.  I am in pain.  How the hell do people run marathons?  I am convinced they have superhero powers.

I have been on target.  My hungover ass even ran/walked on Saturday.

Congrats to Heidi and MG for completing their runs this weekend.  Amazing girls!!

I’ve been on target with training.  I ran another 1.5 miles Wednesday and walk/ran 1.5 miles on Tuesday.  I also did a mile on the elliptical yesterday to kick my ass even more than it had already been kicked.
 
Today is a rest day which I have spent getting allergy shots, doing loads and loads of laundry, and tanning.  I feel so damn rested!  (sarcasm)
 
I decided I am running outside tomorrow.  I am expanding my running horizons!  I also cannot stand another day at the gym. Some of the sights I see are just frightening.  The man sweating the Atlantic River in fluids on the Stairmaster in front of me did it yesterday.
 
Puke factor?  HIGH!
 
Cheers to another 1.5 mile tomorrow!

Day 5 - I walked for 30 minutes nothing strenuous but I was dying from my 1mi run on Friday.  LE SIGH!  I noticed my huffing and puffing was diminishing.

Day 6 - REST! 

Day 7 - I ran 1.5 miles today at the treadmil.  I stopped once or twice to catch my breath but for the most part the pain in my legs was the hard part.

I did it though!! I did it.  I like the way that sounds.

On today’s agenda:

Run 1 mile

The last time I ran a mile was for soccer in high school which if you do the math was quite a few fricking years ago.

I got my ass to the gym on a Friday night. KUDOS to me!  I ran a 15-minute mile.  I am not going to lie and say I didn’t stop intermittently to walk a couple times because I did but I got through a mile.

It really helps knowing my running buddy is going through the same damn regimen as me.  It also helps I spend about 8-10 hours with her a day at work.

Cheers to the day I can say I am a “runner”!

Now I am all jacked up on Red Line and have no clue what I am doing tonight, if anything.