I’ve wandered back into the world of SSRIs. It’s a fact that I do not like admitting. I thought I could do it alone. I thought I was “cured”. Instead I am back in the never-ending game of finding a med to balance me out and a therapist to hear me out.

I have grown a lot emotionally over the last 2 years, but its difficult to admit I haven’t grown enough. My self-awareness can only take me so far. Putting Armani in tears not once but twice in 24 hours was the last straw. My need to self-sabotage, black and white thinking, wild mood swings, and self-hate were attacking me at full force.

I have vowed to make this round of treatment different. I refuse to settle for less than 100% and not give 100% back. I have never unveiled my true self, feelings, or past to even those I have went to for help. It’s different. I am completely uncensored in hope for an answer and treatment plan. I want to uncover the source of my never-ending state of turmoil.

I have struggled to deal with my own issues without medical assistance for the last 1.5 years due to losing my job and lack of medical insurance coverage. I was beyond elated to make a psychiatrist appointment using my new medical insurance coverage. Honestly, elated is an understatement

I randomly chose a psychiatrist that was located close to my work. A new psychiatrist for a new start. I didn’t particularly have anything against my previous psych but I did settle for feeling less than I should have and was not always honest with him.

I wanted and needed a fresh new beginning…

The appointment went well. Tears were shed. I do not deny I am an emotional trainwreck. I felt comfortable speaking to her but couldn’t help but feel as if she thought I was lying, holding back, or exagerating. This was probably more my self-doubt than anything else. I didn’t mention past diagnoses. She didnt diagnose me. I was okay with that. I didn’t ask. I didn’t need an answer. At least at that moment.

We stumbled through my list of previous prescriptions dating back to 1998. The decision was made that I would try Zoloft, an SSRI that I hadn’t tried in the past and continue taking Ativan. In all honesty, I scoffed at the Zoloft and was unsure if I would follow through with my promise to try it.

I ended the session by proactively asking for a reputable therapist who wouldn’t give in to my tricky manipulation as the last therapist I saw did.

After much swaying to take the Zoloft or not I decided my new approach to becoming well would only work if I went in with an open mind and was honest. I am not new to the SSRI scene. I have taken Effexor, Prozac, Paxil, and Lexapro in the past. My body is not tolerable at the beginning of the prescribed regimen. Knowing this I decided to begin the medication on a Friday and by Sunday morning I felt like death. I was struck with extreme anxiety, fatigue, and a throbbing headache. The headache faded by Monday morning but the anxiety and fatigue continued throughout the week. I emailed my doctor asking for a longer acting benzo as the 1 mg Ativan I was taking twice daily was not cutting it. She prescribed Klonopin .50 mg which I began taking that Wednesday.

I felt more focused, patient, under control, and outgoing by the end of the 1st week of the beginning dose but the anxiety was still strong, racing thoughts, and splitting were still evident.

I increased the dose this past Friday. I am feeling just as anxious and as fatigued as I did when beginning my 1st dose. Although, now my sex drive is lacking and I spend the majority of the day nauseated.

I fully intend to give Zoloft a fair chance but my promise to accept nothing but 100% in this course of treatment is my intention.

1.  Watching Bacci climb upon a snow pile acting all proud because he is usually a little sissy about his paws touching the snow then falling straight down into the snow.

2.  Armani surprising me by doing ALL of our laundry before I even woke up this morning and even better doing it to my expectations.

3.  Iced Tea made at home

4.  Lotion for my dry winter elbows

5.  Scoring super cheap certificates from Restaurant.com

I havent always been afraid of the telephone.  I too was like most teenage girls and spent hours on the phone with friends and used the “three way calling” function.

I think cognitively I have this little phone phobia because of my Dad who usually only calls me when there is a problem or to bitch at me.

I am not really sure when my “phonobia” began.  Im unsure if I would call it a phobia if that.  I do talk on the phone but it is usually either forced or I my anxiety levels are at an extreme low level.

I have decided to begin congratulating myself on the small things I come across because lets be honest this job search is putting a huge damper on my self-esteem. 

First off… I have an interview on Wednesday!  It is not the perfect job and I will probably  not be making nearly as much money as I did at my last job but it is a job.  Ya know?  The thing you go to Monday thru Friday that makes you feel like a member of society?

The little “pat on the back” that comes from that is I answered the telephone to the unknown call.  I would usually let it go to voicemail and then call it back if it was a job opportunity but I answered.

It felt good.

The interviewer then called me back later in the day and I did happen to accidentally miss his call.  He gave me the option of texting, emailing, or calling him back.  I bit the bullet and called him.  He simply wanted to reschedule from Tuesday to Wednesday.

It felt good.

I posted an ad in Craig’s List for a dining room set I am not using.  I received a response and actually called, rather than emailed the woman interested in purchasing the set.  She is coming to take it off my hands tomorrow.

It felt good.

So lets remember to pat ourselves on the back for the small things.  As they can feel as good as the big accomplishments in life.

Do you have any phobias?

It’s been a while hasn’t it?

My apologies…

As much as my blog has fallen to the wayside I don’t want everything to fall to the wayside just because I neglected it for a couple of months.  This isn’t high school and I do not have to avoid y’all because I haven’t been turning in my assignments.

I wouldnt necessarily self-diagnose myself as having Social Anxiety.  I am anxious. I do suffer from Panic Disorder but I have never been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.  I believe many people experience anxiety in social settings, depending upon the circumstance.  Social Anxiety has a wide scope from very mild to severe.

Just recently I have realized the severity of my Social Anxiety is muffled with my consumption of alcohol.  There is rarely a circumstance in a new social setting where I can deal without a drink in hand or a couple of shots beforehand.

I just recently realized that it is a problem.

The realization was made after meeting the prospect, who from now forward we will be called Armani. Why Armani?  Well, that’s what Mani called him as our secret code in the beginning of our relationship.  I am going to run with it for anonymity’s sake.

I do not have to be drunk or drinking to be with Armani.  Sure, I did have a couple of Mojitos before we first met but that was the only circumstance where I felt I had to be drinking to feel at ease.  I am comfortable.  Unfortunately this is the first man I have felt this way with so soon in a relationship.  Sure.  The majority of my past relationships consisted of alcohol either before or during the time I spent with the significant other of the moment.

This made me think harder… Why?

There are many possibilities.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin?  Believe the sober me isn’t interesting enough for anyone?  Believe rejection is easier accepted when intoxicated?

I think its all of the above.

As of right now I am trying my damnest to beat my drinking issues because of Social Anxiety.  I have went out a couple of times now and have not gotten completely intoxicated to feel okay and at ease.  Armani and I drink on occasion but never because we are uncomfortable or nervous.  We drink to relax.

My question to you.   Do you believe you suffer a tad bit from Social Anxiety?  What do you do to calm your nerves?

Did ya know May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month?

On April 1, 2008, the U.S. House of Representatives passed, by a vote of 414-0, House Resolution 1005 which supports the month of May as Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

So, why don’t you spread the word? Educate those about BPD including yourself so you can recognize it if it enters your life. Reach out to people who struggle with BPD.

Remember BPD is a mental disorder.  The result is that the suicide rate (successes) of people who suffer from BPD is 8-10%.

Everyone loves Etsy.  I have yet to meet a person that hasnt found something fantastic in one of the many etsy stores.

A couple of weeks back, I found this beautiful, yet simple gem:

The bracelets can be found in this friendly seller’s shop SparklyThingsbyBon.  What makes these bracelets even more fabulous?  A portion of the proceeds go to support FPDA.  I purchased one for myself and one for Candid Beauty my “always there for me” BPD friend.  They are beautiful reminders of not being alone fighting BPD.  A day can be a constant struggle but this simple reminder might be what gets you through the day.

I also shamelesly stole the above pics from Candid Beauty’s blog.  I know she wont mind

Haven’t done much blogging lately. I have been busy indulging in my self-destructive ways and by self-destructive I do not mean indulging in one too many high fructose corn syrup beverages.

Le Sigh.

My family “interventioned” my ass on Sunday morning. They don’t want to see me lose Frappe but they see that’s the path I am choosing to take.

That hurts like a mother fucker.

I try but I don’t try hard enough. I either play the narcissistic card or the insecure card. I can never just be “me” because “me” is never good enough. It’s never entertaining enough, pretty enough, or smart enough.

Frappe knows of my issues with abandonment, insecurities, and dependence upon medication and therapy. One day last week in a state of panic I spewed it all. I didn’t define myself as a disorder but explained to him the issues I face on a daily basis and the steps I am taking to conquer them.

I am unsure if this is why I acted so narcissistic and insecure on Saturday night. The minute the Bacardi touched my lips I was a mess. I went from “You don’t love me” to “I am so amazing” in .05 seconds.

I sometimes wonder if that’s all the men of my past were attracted to and consider that I subconsciously hold onto it because I fear without it I am stale.

I pick my ass up on a daily basis though, this is true. I refuse to fall into the patterns that end with my defeat.

We leave for Lake Geneva on Friday and I am going to be me.

What should you take from this Therapy Tuesday post?

Never give in, no matter how dark the days of the past look or how dark the future may look.  You owe yourself more than defeat.

Yet another book off of my growing book shelf dedicated to mental illness, “Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder” by Rachel Reiland.

What an amazing book. The book world has few well written memoirs on mental illness and even fewer on Borderline Personality Disorder.

Rachel’s account battling BPD is both shocking and inspiring. She recounts of her journey over 4 years. Her journey involves loved ones, hospitalizations, two steps forward and ten steps back. Rachel writes without holding back and an honesty that is rare in today’s society. Her darkest moments are divulged, as well as deep lessons and experiences.

This book was an inspiration to my life and writing. Unlike many books about BPD, Rachel shows that recovery and BPD can by synonymous.

Borderline Personality Disorder Affects on the Family - Checklist

Does your feel this way:

___ Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feelings to avoid horrible arguments?

___ Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving?

___ Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or even lied to?

___ Are you accused of things you never did or said?

___ Do your feel as if someone alternately views you as all good or all bad?

___ Does no one believe you when you explain that this is going on?

If your answered “yes” to many of these questions, someone you care about may have Borderline Personality Disorder - BPD.

Checklist can be found here.

It causes great pain to me when I read the above because if you are a close person to me then you deal with one and often many more than one of the above statements.

Fear and relationships go hand in hand with me. I fear the worst and the best. Romantic relationships cause a stream of fear into my bloodstream causing everything I have learned and how far I have come to diminish into thin air.

Time to grab some index cards and write out some “true” affirmations to bring some logic to my almost always illogical thinking.

I bought “I Hate You - Don’t Leave Me” an hour after I was professionally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was on the short list of books my psychiatrist recommended I begin reading. Reading about mental illness, in particular Borderline Personality Disorder promotes an active participation in the therapeutic process of healing.

The book comforted me. Many of the chapters describe BPD therefore it’s a handy manual for those who have personal relationships with a person who suffers from the illness. The book also contains ways in which to manage ones emotions.

I could relate to many of the pages and dog eared the ones in which I saw me as I read the small print.