Good Ol’ Daley held a press conference on Wednesday. He warned the residents of Chicago that the cold may kill us.   He is a good guy like that.  He then quickly changed the subject to the city’s new tourism campaign and how fabulous Chicago is during the winter.

Winter in Chicago is GRAND says the fat Irish man.

I live here. Chicago’s winters are not grand. They are inconvenient and expensive.

If you are foolish enough to visit Chicago during our winter please be advised.

Chicago’s winter parking bans are ridiculously confusing. I have lived here for 27 years and still cannot get through a winter without receiving a parking ticket.

Once you think that you got things down pat, city sticker and any other local parking permit you may or may not need.

You receive a bright orange ticket for something ridiculous.

I received a parking ticket just the other day for parking too far from the curb. I am so sorry that my side street was not plowed leaving me no other option.

PERHAPS Chicago should spend more money plowing streets rather than ticketing? Just a thought.

If you own a car in Chicago and escape an orange ticket during the winter then you probably will be blessed with a flat tire. That’s just how it works.

Chicago winters also bring potholes. Lots of them. Chicago, home of the pothole. Driving around in Chicago during the winter is straight up dangerous. I picture myself in a video game as I dodge the many monstrous bottomless pits.

I know what you are saying, there is always public transportation. Are you kidding me?

A day in Chicago is not complete without word of a line under construction, line on fire, fee increase, major bus delays, or a derailment.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE CHICAGO but I do not believe Chicago is the place to visit during the winter.

P.S. I hate the bean. I said it.

Shitty, inconvenient, money draining things that have happened to me this week…

• About 2 months ago, while intoxicated, I ordered these.  I ordered ONE.  I checked my bank account and noticed a charge of $183.  I am extremely awful when it comes to reconciling my checking account – to the point where I don’t do it at all but this charge stuck out.  I called the bank and then called the company who charged the ONE HUNDRED AND FUCKING EIGHTY THREE DOLLARS and to my disbelief it was the company Merchandise Direct who is in charge of the distribution of the above said product.  They just shipped out via UPS 4 orders of the BUY 1 GET 1 FREE item.  Yes, 8 in total.

This is obviously a huge mistake.  I tried to explain this to the customer service bitch I was on the line with but she was not going to take my word that I would return the product if she credited my checking account.

I am livid.  What if… my unemployed ass didn’t have the cash in the account and the $183 in charges caused me to overdraft?

Merchandise Direct does not give a shit.

Suggestions?  Experiences?

• I also came to the realization that I speed through money like it’s my job, literally.  Then again I have paid the City of Chicago $100 in parking fines this month and the City of Markham $230 for running the red light causing my most recent accident.  I have to slow down my ability to accrue fines and my spending habit considering unemployment is so damn undependable. 

I received a notice that my benefits will cease until I go down to the unemployment office for the 23478237 time to get things straightened out. 

Note:  The issue at hand is unemployment cannot understand that I never said I received social security benefits.  This has been discussed numerous times between myself and a representative from the unemployment office but has obviously yet been resolved.

• My insurance company called me and left a voicemail today in regards to the accident I was in.  I just yesterday went to court for the tickets I received.  The harassing stalker who has called me 23478237 since the accident also showed up as a witness.  I pled guilty to the charge of running the red light before he even had a chance to utter a word and proved I had insurance.  The raging overweight lunatic that is probably on Social Security because he eats too many Big Macs interrupted the judge and pretty much chased me out of the courtroom yelling ignorant slurss.  I didn’t talk to the insurance company when the accident originally happened.  I called them the next day and told them I was in a minor accident where I received a ticket for not having insurance and told them I needed an insurance card.  I haven’t spoken to them since because I fear the phone like the plague and my anxieties are so high because I didn’t take care of the situation when the accident first occurred.  I also do not want the guy to get a dime because he has been harassing me, had prior damage to his car, and has lied to me on numerous occasions.  He pretty much wanted me to settle with him without any insurance because he did not have valid insurance at the time of the accident.  He has been my worst nightmare since the accident happened. 

I know I have to “face the music” and call the insurance agent back but I just cant force myself to do it because the whole situation makes me so anxious or am I truly just irresponsible? 

I, the booze drinking table dancing girl, have never went out on Black Wednesday.  I have been frequenting clubs and bars since the ripe age of 19 and have never even thought about going out on Black Wednesday.

Black Wednesday is a night of drunken debauchery which I am all about but included in this drunken debauchery is crowds of ignorant people which equals elbows to the head and spilled drinks on expensive clothes.

I dont do crowds of ignorant people.  I rarely do crowds of people. 

Dont get me wrong, I go out a lot and deal with crowds of people but never wait in line to get into a club, never wait in line to get a drink at a club, and never go to a club where I will be pushed and shoved by jackasses.

I don’t do that scene.

There is no club like the above available on Black Wednesday because every club in the city of Chicago is full of drunken assholes and any “hookup” you may have becomes obsolete.

L asked me to go out on Black Tuesday because originally our other bestest was working Thanksgiving and wouldnt be able to go out.

She knows that I despise Black Tuesday. I (gulp) agreed.

We had the conversation about 3 weeks ago and I have slowly tried to prepare myself.  I visted Walmart, frequented these stores with food called grocery stores, and all of my visits to the unemployment office have definitely covered the “ignorance” I would face.

When we discussed the whole Black Tuesday ordeal I also decided to agree on going out on NYE this year.  Crazy?  Yup… thats me.  I usually have a shindig at my house on NYE because again its one of those days that anxiety stricken K cannot handle. 

During our agreement, we both agreed we would go to a place near home which I hate on a regular basis let alone on a busy as day where I would wind up running into every single person I went to high school with and I went to 3 high schools, possibly ex boyfriends, and definitely ex friends.  We both thought it was the best idea because it was close and we would just cab home.  115 Bourbon Street here we come!  I say this with all sarcasm that I can produce.

We found out a week ago that Jax our other bestest would be off on Thanksgiving and would be painting the town red with us.

I then come home from a trip to the grocery store today.  Yes… I survived a grocery store 2 days before Thanksgiving without the assistance of a benzo or a fifth of vodka.  L and my brother are looking at Manor’s website which is downtown.

What??!? I did not agree to all that and hate to be blindsided.  I like to be prepared.  There is definitely a different dress code for me if I was to go to good ol’ 115 and if I was to go to a club downtown.  I am not tan.  My toes need painting.

This puts me in a rage and I get very snotty with L telling her I am not going out if thats where they decide to go.

She pretty much shrugs me off and continues to say she is going to call her brother and see what he wants to do.

Are you serious?  I am going out because everyone I thought wanted me to and now it has turned into a situation where my opinion doesnt even count?  Our other bestest Jax is now off Thanksgiving and would be joining us but that does not mean that my opinion means shit.

Jax calls me complaining that she doesnt want to do anything tomorrow let alone go downtown which baffles me because the idea seemed to come from her.  What?

In conclusion, I have no idea if tomorrow will be my 1st Black Friday out.

I would be quite happy sitting at home with a couple of bottles of Pinot Grigio and my bestest then possibly slashing the cheating bastard DILF’s tires.

Oh ya… did I forget to mention the DILF had a girlfriend when he decided to bang me in the back seat of his mercedes?  She contacted me through MySpace but that is a whole nother blog for a whole nother day.

Off to attend to more important things like my Arbor Mist that is chilling in my freezer.  I am hoping it doesnt look like this

An end to a hiatus?

I definitely hope so.  The only internet communication I have been indulging in over the last two weeks has been twitter.

If you havent begun living in twitterverse, I caution you thats its the worst internet addiction I have ever posessed.

What’s new?

A whole damn lot.  I am unsure where to start or even to bother recapping.  Perhaps, I should just retitle my blog to “Single Unemployed Vodka Drinking Cat Woman To Be”

It’s catchy.  No?

In any event.  I am unemployed.  I got the ol’ heave hoe at the corporate 9-5′er that paid for my over indulgence in shoes and all things alcohol related.

They offered me a box for my belonging but I stuffed all things worth saving into my big ol’ Coach purse and said adieu with my eyes swollen with tears.

Thats all for now.  I am not jumping back into this whole bloggy blog world guns blazing.  I would rather have a few rounds of shooting practice beforehand.

I leave you with an idea of the shape I have been in the past couple of weeks. I figure you will feel some sort of pain for me and if not you will definitely feel sorry for me.

See them in the picture below?

 
A group of Jehovah Witnesses headed towards my door.
 
Lucky for me they approached my door while I was in one of my bitchiest moments full of snide and sarcasm. 
 
I told them frankly and very matter of fact  “Im on my way to the hospital for a blood transfusion..”
 
I then slammed the door.
 
Disclaimer:  I am a very open-minded person when it comes to religion.  I was raised Catholic but I am not practicing.  I’m in a search for where I fit when it comes to religion.  I do not think one religion rules over another.  I do however have a big problem with religion coming to my door.  Have your beliefs but do not try and persuade me
 

To the lady trying to slather my skin in lotion in the middle of the mall and asking me if I like my nails – I’m not interested
 
To the lady at Ann Taylor Loft with a five minute speech about the new fall colors – I’m not interested
 
To the Starbucks lady trying to sucker me into a “low fat” blueberry muffin or perhaps a new smoothie – I’m not interested
 
To my coworker trying to finagle a couple of dollars out of my purse for her child’s fundraiser – I’m not interested
 
To the oil change attendant trying to sell me everything but a 5th tire – I’m not interested and I might just slice your neck
 
To all the men in the world – I’m not interested but please try back at a later time
 
To the childish drama going on in my life – I’m not interested
 
To the coworker talking nonstop about her child in baby voices - I am not interested
 
To all I am not interested in… please go away and come back another day or better yet don’t

My weekend in Michigan was boring and aggravating.
 
I have learned I need to be a better judge of compatibility when choosing a travel buddy even if it is only for a weekend road trip.
 
On a positive note I did pick up a cute Cubs jersey for Bacci and a new swimsuit for myself.
 
I am now going to tie my hands behind my back to stop myself from bitching about my weekend of high expectations that went sour.

I have a coffee date with a friend tonight.  The date is tentative. I stress the word tentative.
 
She is a flake.
 
The more I think of it the more I think flakes should not be found in your hair or in your arsenal of friendships unless your name is Tony and you happen to be a tiger.
 
Flakes belong on the ground during winter or in cereal bowls.
 
THEEND

It’s Friday meaning I get Starbucks in the morning. (neener neener)  This is not to say I don’t get Starbucks during the week but I always indulge in the “bucks” on Friday mornings.  It’s an early kick start to my weekend and I usually take a three day break from SF Red Bull for the weekend.  I stress usually.
 
I was running late this morning (surprise!) ordered my Starbucks which made me super happy and then received notice I can order any grande iced drink this afternoon for a mere $2. This made me ecstatic.  You bet my panties, I never wear, that I will be ordering an ice cold caffeine buzz after work.
 
I pull up to the drive thru window because I am lucky and don’t have to sit in a line full of people ordering 5 coffees and every breakfast sandwich on the menu.
 
If you are one of those people then please do not use the drive thru.
 
I see my grande iced triple skinny latte sitting on the back counter.  I am now drooling..
 
The barista takes his sweet ol’ time trying to strike up a convo with me.
 
I hate small talk.
 
This goes on for approximately 90 seconds and during this time I am nonchalantly switching my right hand ring to my left hand.
 
He then asks for my telephone number.

I swivel my left hand .. sorry barista give me my FUCKING COFFEE.
 
He obliges and hands me my now sweaty iced latte.

I hit absolutely no traffic but am now running even later than usual due to my coffee snafu.
 
I hit the toll before my exit where there is no I-Pass lane due to construction.
 
I swing up to the toll booth and see the little globe turn green signaling my go ahead when the attendant signals I roll down my window.
 
I do thinking my I-Pass is once again in some type of non-working order.
 
He winks at me.  The wink is like a freaky scary I molest children wink.
 
I would have sped off but the scary “I molest children” twenty-something was in control of the gate.
 
I swear I saw him on “To Catch a Predator”
 
“Yes” I say in an aggravated tone.  A tone which totally signifies I am indeed a bitch and he should just stop while he is ahead of himself.
 
“Where are you headed?”
 
“To work and I am late”
 
“Can I get your contact”
 
Who says that?  Contact.  I don’t wear them and if I did I would not give mine out.  Duhr. 
 
“NO I am late for work thank you” I roll up my window and probably roll my eyes.
 
He does a little scary wave and allows me to exit.
 
Just because you are at work doesn’t mean you can take your sweet ol’ time wasting other people’s time who happen to be on their way to work and are perhaps late to work.
 
FUCK.

I did N’s Federal and Illinois tax return this year.   Granted I am very busy during tax season reviewing returns and getting paid to do it!!   
 
N chose to file via paper rather than electronically.  I warned him in advance that this would slow up the process of him receiving his return and stimulus payment. 
 
He was okay with it and insisted on filing via paper. 
 
I emailed him his returns and gave him exact instructions on where to attach his W-2s and 1099s.  I even instructed him where to mail the returns.  The only thing I didn’t do was lick the envelopes.
 
Keep in mind I charged him $0 – nada – nothing!
 
That brings us to today.. N is a little confused because he is continuously calling ME asking where his refunds are.  Do I look like the IRS?  Did I say I was an IRS agent? Am I a janitor for the IRS?  Does my grandfather work for the IRS? The answer is NO!
 
Did he forget I did him a favor and does he understand he is now are being a royal pain in my ass?!?! 
 
This is such a pet peeve of mine.  If someone does you a favor you should not bother them under any circumstance.  It’s a favor and you should be damn skippy that the said person did you a favor.
 
Ex:  If someone gives you a television set and you later realize that the volume isn’t working to your perfection do not call the person who gave you the television set repeatedly demanding they come over and fix it.
Lame example – I know.
 
You did not pay for the service therefore do not complain about the service.  You did not pay for the item therefore do not complain about the item.
 
I refuse to let him in on the secret that he should google “IRS” and call them to see where his refund is because honestly this is no longer due to stupidity but rather laziness.