I havent always been afraid of the telephone.  I too was like most teenage girls and spent hours on the phone with friends and used the “three way calling” function.

I think cognitively I have this little phone phobia because of my Dad who usually only calls me when there is a problem or to bitch at me.

I am not really sure when my “phonobia” began.  Im unsure if I would call it a phobia if that.  I do talk on the phone but it is usually either forced or I my anxiety levels are at an extreme low level.

I have decided to begin congratulating myself on the small things I come across because lets be honest this job search is putting a huge damper on my self-esteem. 

First off… I have an interview on Wednesday!  It is not the perfect job and I will probably  not be making nearly as much money as I did at my last job but it is a job.  Ya know?  The thing you go to Monday thru Friday that makes you feel like a member of society?

The little “pat on the back” that comes from that is I answered the telephone to the unknown call.  I would usually let it go to voicemail and then call it back if it was a job opportunity but I answered.

It felt good.

The interviewer then called me back later in the day and I did happen to accidentally miss his call.  He gave me the option of texting, emailing, or calling him back.  I bit the bullet and called him.  He simply wanted to reschedule from Tuesday to Wednesday.

It felt good.

I posted an ad in Craig’s List for a dining room set I am not using.  I received a response and actually called, rather than emailed the woman interested in purchasing the set.  She is coming to take it off my hands tomorrow.

It felt good.

So lets remember to pat ourselves on the back for the small things.  As they can feel as good as the big accomplishments in life.

Do you have any phobias?

oh hey… its me K.

I have been keeping my unemployed ass pretty busy becoming quite the domestic diva.  Alright… attempting to be quite the domestic diva.

The last couple of weeks have been interesting.  I may or may not have…

drank so much I pissed the bed with ARMANI in it

almost burned the house down while cooking Fillet Mignon in a frying pan

flopped cooking corned beef in a fucking crockpot

a puppy who finally has learned PAW!

googled how to make grilled cheese

took 4 pregnancy tests (no, im not pregnant PHEW!)

bought Boom Ball off of Amazon.com and lost the balls it came with in less than 2 days

played Guitar Hero for my FIRST time ever and sucked

a boyfriend who really really wants a goped

went gokarting in a skirt

totally been slacking with going to the place that keeps me from turning into an oompah loompah

tanned in WEEKS because of this

spent many many hours working hard on my farm… on facebook

bought adorable dixie cups

So as you can see I may or may not have been pretty busy lately.  You be the judge!

I self-medicate with food.

I self-medicate with starvation.

I self-medicate with pills.

I self-medicate with alcohol.

why? Is it my inability to self-soothe? The uncomfortabel feeling of being in my own skin? Anxiety?

 The Modern Gal and Jenny over at These are the Days of One Gemini with this lovely award. Thanks Girls!

The honorees are to:A) first list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep!
B) pass the award on to 4 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap.

It is 2:35 am. I am sure I can come up with 10 honest things about myself that you may or may not know.

Here goes nothing!

1. I always buy purple toothbrushes and hairbrushes. I have been doing this for as long as I can remember.

2. I never wear flats on a night out. Never. I don’t feel as fierce in flats.

3. I despise drinking out of solo cups at bars/lounges/clubs.

4. I’ve resumed taking Ativan for my panic attacks and anxiety. I stopped later last year but have begun taking the little white pills again.

5. I love to give rather than receive.

6. I don’t like roses but enjoy flowers.

7. I love pet boutiques.

8. I can spend hours and hours in book stores with a latte in hand.

9. My youngest sister is 4 years old.

10. My step dad was born in Scotland and moved to the USA when he was 24 years old.

I would like to present this award to

Beautiful Babymaker, Angelaboration, Finding my Balance, and Andy Hannon.

I don’t regularly wear underwear.  Okay. I said it.  Those who have a problem can stop reading because this blogger is a non-underwear wearer.
 
I haven’t regularly worn underwear for the past two years.  Why?  I’m not sure.  I think it’s a “comfortablity” issue.  I’m much more comfortable sans the undies.
 
I stopped wearing undies once ExAss and I got freaky in the sheets.  Perhaps this was the reason for my sudden halt in underwear donning. I figured they would come off eventually and saved a step in the let’s see how clumsy a man is when undressing a woman ordeal.  It was also much easier to not have to match my undies and bras. 
 
However, I did don lacey thongs and boys shorts when the occasion arose. Ahem..
 
Perhaps it’s the convenience issue.  I save about 10 seconds in the morning because I do not need to pick out a suitable pair of panties (Hello.. VPL are not the rage) and putting on my panties.  Hey now.. don’t laugh.  I have put on panties inside out and backward.
 
Halt the use of the word “panties”.  I hate that word.  Maybe that’s why I don’t wear them?
 
Although I don’t regularly sport underwear there are a few circumstances when I do, such as doctor’s appointments.  I guess I fear they will ask me to drop my pants and say “Yikes.. you’re not wearing undies!!” or something else which could lead me into a mortifying situation.
 
I also wear undies when swimsuit shopping which doesn’t happen often because swimsuit shopping is evil.  This is just due to the hygienic issue.
 
I don’t go Spears and not slip on undies when wearing a skirt.  I usually wear a pair of boy shorts or a barely there thong.  I will admit there are a few times I went commando and didn’t realize so.  I was gracious and kept my hoohah hidden.
 
Just something to keep my goods out of the public eye.
 
I do plan on going back to donning the undies when I begin dating in a serious manner which may never come!  I figure undies are another barrier from men’s touchy feely hands and I don’t want to be judged for my sometimes thought of as “freakish” non-underwear donning behavior.  I also believe undies are sexy and I am a tease therefore we go hand in hand against the opposite sex.
 
Where did this undie post come from you ask?
 
I had the allergist appointment Monday which meant Monday morning I had to remember to throw on a pair of the undergarment that I am not so fond of and I am not talking about pantyhose.  How did I remember?  The post-it on my television..duh.  Anyways, I opened up my underwear drawers and decided on a pair.  Yes, I have two underwear drawers.  I have a lot of undies for a chick who doesn’t wear them 99.9% of the time.
 
I might not like to wear them but I like to buy them!  Then again what don’t I like buying?  I swear I get a high from buying tampons and deodorant.
 
I settled for a turquoise and white checkered cotton bikini with thick lace bands on the sides. It’s from the VS Pink line and according to the price tag cost me $7.50 when purchased.
 
Hmm.. do the parts of a pair of underwear have names?  Like.. the thick lace bands that lay on my hips what would they be called?  
 
I must say my full day of underwear wearing wasn’t that bad.  I possibly may consider sporting a cute pair of underwear more often.
 
Alright.. I many have divulged TMI but that’s me and due to my TMI post I will be the love of many search engines and receive many disturbing comments.
 
Give me the goods on your underwear habits and mishaps!  I know you have them.

I have always enjoyed writing. 
 
I have been writing for as long as I can remember. 
 
I had all of the Hello Kitty and Lisa Frank stationery you could fathom as a child and would write my innermost thoughts on the small dainty kitty covered note cards and seal them in small pink and purple envelopes enclosed by a unicorn sticker.  They were my innermost thoughts written in glitter pens only protected by the sticker holding the envelope shut.
 
As I got older I started journaling.  I would buy journals and fill them from front to back. I would hide my journal under my mattress and it was a daily evening ritual to fill my journal with my most sacred thoughts and my menial daily happenings.
 
I would dabble in poetry.  I would cover the front and backs of my journals with magazine clippings/horoscopes/quotes/ticket stubs and any other memento I felt important to me at the time. 
 
I can now look back and see that I did indeed watch Titanic at the theatre five times, had a love for the Real World, Gavin Rossdale was one of my biggest crushes, and was engrossed in Jewel’s poetry.
 
As I got older my journals were filled with major stepping stones in a young woman’s life.  My first kiss, first breakup, first drunken escapade, first “real” date, first time I had sex, and the list goes on.  These journals were documents of my life and all of the firsts my parents couldn’t document.
 
I stopped journaling on a regular basis when I was about twenty-two.  I began blogging which I would have to say was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  I no longer was able to express the truth because of shame and the big question “what would others think?”  My blogs have always been filled with my opinions but at that point in my life lots of things were left out.
 
I still journaled the old fashioned way when under a lot of stress and needed to vent in an arena which only I would be able to critique.  I feel as if these journals are now just books with many pages ripped out and do not accurately display me or my life.
 
My blogging up until I created this WordPress blog has all been erased.  It was erased because of the animosity it caused between family and friends.  It was erased out of shame.  It was erased out of fear.
 
This I regret.  I do have journals filled with the misery caused by my most recent heartbreak but the good of the relationship is only held in my memory along with everything else good and bad that has happened to me in the past 4 years.
 
This is why this blog is and will be anonymous.  I am real uncut and uncensored and this is who I am.  I want to remember the good and the bad.  I want to recognize my triumphs and mistakes.

Its true.. I love talking about myself.  The good, the bad, and even the ugly.  I asked my freaders to ask me ANYTHING because I indeed do love gabbing about myself.  I received the following questions and have posted my lengthy answers.  Feel free to comment with any additional questions and I will post my answers in an upcoming blog.  If you really dont care to hear me babble you still get a link and I get to babble!

Jess asked :

“What was your favorite toy that you owned as a kid?”

How cool was lite bright kids of the 80’s?  I would create my own masterpieces by not following the templates, at least I thought I was the Picasso of my lite bright.  I vividly remember spending hours in the dark just pegging those holes and creating different flowers.  Nothing could interrupt me, not even Punky Brewster.  The lite bright was definitely a favorite toy, how many of those little pegs do you remember losing and stepping on in bare feet? Those were good times…

Blaez  asked:

“will you hire me and be the perfect boss?”

I would for sure hire you but I am not sure what a perfect boss I would be. 

I am a control freak.  I like things done my way and expect a lot from others.  My way is usually the right way, at least I think.  Hey.. I’m working in therapy on trying to let other people take control.  I’m getting better.  I have finally been able to let some of my girlfriends arrange a night out rather than me having to control every miniscule detail.  I’m going on a rampant. 

In conclusion, I would hire you and take you out to lunch (do you like Italian?) but you would probably be calling me every name in the book after you left work for the day and there would be a slim chance you would return the next day.  I promise you a good time at lunch though!

Stylish Handwriting asked:

“What is your happiest memory from high school?”

Unfortunately, high school wasn’t full of happy memories for me.  I switched schools a total of 4 times and I was quite the problem child for my parents. Depression hit me hard in high school.

At the beginning of my sophomore year my father gave me a proposition to move in with him and I took the proposition when he sweetened the deal by inviting my best friend to move in.  (weird situation.. Yes.  You can say that again!)  My father and stepmother actually adopted my best friend. (her single mother obviously was off her rocker to go along with this)

This situation only lasted about 6-months because I was very unhappy with the arrangement of living with my strict Dad but there were some interesting times.  It’s not often that at the age of 15 you are able to live with your best friend.

FreeandFlawed asked:

“What is the one state/country you MUST visit before you die?”

I MUST visit Italy.  DROOLING.. I’m sorry I was thinking about the fabulous cuisine I will enjoy while there because I must get there before I die.  Sooner rather than later.  Perhaps I will find a hot Italian driving around on a Vespa and he could throw me on the back and take me for some orange gelato.

My love for Italy may be the fact that I am indeed half Italian.

“Do you keep a lot of lists? How do you feel about post-its?”

I am a list BITCH.  I have loved lists and have for as long as I can remember.  I was always the girl at school with the perfectionist of a planner color coded and such.  I was such a dork. 

I keep steno pads full of lists.  My favorite being my list of qualities the perfect man for me should posses.  Trust me.. I add numerous pages to this list after a breakup.  My standards are getting higher and higher which is a good thing because early in the list there were such requirements as “owns a car” “doesn’t gamble excessively”.

Lists also rule me at work.  I have a steno pad right near my phone which I meticulous list all of the things I would like to get done in the upcoming week (work related).  My task list on outlook is detailed to the max just in case I happen to be hit by a bus and someone needs to take over.

My blackberry is the form of organization I choose for my personal life’s happenings.  My To-Do list is long and I never delete, I only hide my completed tasks.

Post-Its?!  If you can’t tell already they are right up my overly organized alley. I especially love the cute ones.  There are so many varieties that it makes me fuzzy inside just thinking about them.

“What is the best advice you’ve received and did you follow it?”

The best advice I received was to go ahead and take the chance by taking the job position I am currently in. I was very scared to jump the bandwagon and grow into the real world but with the help of my family and friends who told me “I could indeed do it” I did do it!

“Do you like jelly?”

I like the occasionally PB&J but I’m not a jelly fanatic.  I do love strawberry Goobers but you can only find the grape goobers nowadays! Memo to self:  Write to Jewel in regards to carrying the strawberry Goobers I love so much.

I have been tagged by the lovely Lauren, who is a new blogger like myself and from her picture has awesome hair.

 The details:
-Post the rules on your blog
-Write six random things about yourself in a blog post
-Tag six people in your post
-Let each person know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

Everyone is doing it.. I cant remember whos site I saw it on, so I apologize for the lack of linkage.

Here is my love list with all of its love.

I love the look and feel of a childs cheeks after running around in the fresh crisp fall breeze. I love the power of a simple text message, the words “I am here for you”. Inside jokes and silly faces. The feeling of warm sand on my naked feet. My first sip of lemonade on a breezy summer day. The sound of a crunch into a dill pickle and the crackle of an outdoor fire.The warmth on my skin while tanning in my backyard and feeling a breeze every moment or so leaving slight goosebumps up and down my body. Finding a pair of fabulous shoes and then bringing them to the counter and finding out they are on sale. Unforgettable nights out complete with all of the memories created. I love the feeling you get when your plane lands at its destination and that aura of the new foreign destination. I love the little things, little suprises, little kisses on the forehead, and laughs and smiles from little people. I love Sex and the City and the way Carrie writes. I love “Gilmore” chatter and fantasizing about living in Stars Hollow or a small town very similar. I love the first kiss that curls my toes and makes the butterflies in my belly giggle. Unexpected flowers, especially wild flowers in a unique vase.I love netflix and girly movies. I love hearing the words “job well done”. Curling up with a good book on a Sunday evening. I love receiving mail, USPS or Email. Giving cards and gifts and receiving the smiles that come with them. Fruit salad and the smell of peaches. I love being tucked into bed and the last five minutes of sleep. The grip of an infant and the smell of baby powder. Lists and pink post-its. Smell of bath and body works sweet pea and the comments I get when I wear it. I love to smell Aqua Di Gio for men when I find a sample in a magazine. My Pink Victoria Secret sweats and goofy comfy socks. A clean desk and an empty inbox. I love my pink starbucks coffee cup filled to the rim with french roast. I love when my checking account balance is more than expected. The high I get from indulging in some retail therapy.I love the way the salt glistens on a margarita glass. I love attempting to catch a snowflake on my tongue. I love wine accompanied by good conversation and an equally good appetizer. Santa Margherita Pinot GrigioNEW; new shoes, new beginnings, and new perspectives. I love writing my innermost thoughts. My journals of the past hidden secretly under my bed.I love baseball season, major league and little league. My Cubbie clothes and my first Mai Tai of the season at Wrigley. I love the look of Tahoma font and the way I sign my name.I love simple guilty pleasures.Google Reader & Wordpress. The look of certain pastries before they are divulged.I love dancing like a fool until all hours of the night. I love journals and bookmarks. I can never have too many.I love gift cards and the imagination of what you are going to but that comes with them. I love humor, sarcasm, one-liners, and bad jokes. I love waking up on a Sunday at 7am and realizing I can sleep a few more hours.The “crisp” feeling of walking into a lush hotel room. I love online shopping and seeing a box has been delivered.

N - BEST guy friend a girl could ever ask for. He is there for me whenever I need him and doesn’t let me wallow in self misery for too long. He also does impromptu stuff (I like random!). He sent me a tongue scraper via the USPS just the other week. NO - He was not trying to imply I had the breath of a 50 year old man with tobacco stained fingers and decaying teeth! He is also very anal like myself. I think he lost sleep because his black socks weren’t paired in his sock drawer the other night. He also introduced me to my dental hygiene routine which is fantastic! My mouth has never been more cleanly.

L - One word.. AMAZING. That word doesn’t even give this girl justice. She has been my ROCK over the past 7.5 years. I’m truly blessed to have such a great BEST friend who is there with me through thick and thin. The best part about it, not only is she my BFFL (Im so grade school… AS IF! Ha.. Remember Clueless? Ok.. Im going off subject) she is also my brothers girlfriend which means I see her a ton and hopefully she will one day be my sister-in-law! She is not only an AMAZING best friend but also beautiful, stylish, ambitious, sweet (Mother Theresa sweet!), generous, hilarious, truthful, loyal, and a damn good time! If it wasn’t for her I would probably be a trapeze artist for a traveling circus.

Parents - I have two sets because I am lucky like that and also because I am the product of a divorce at the tender age of 5. This means I receive two sets of Christmas and Birthday presents but this also means I am one busy hustle and bustle bitch on holidays.

I am SUPER close to my Mother. My Step Dad and I have our own special bond which grows as I get older and more appreciative. My Dad and I have a difficult relationship but that’s a whole different blog and things are going “ok” with us at the present moment. My Step Mother is a saint for putting up with my Dad and we have also grown to become friends.

In conclusion, they all love me (every single piece of me) and they are there for me when and if I need them.

The Sibs - I have six of them with me being the oldest which in turn means I buy approximately 30 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, attend numerous dance recitals and baseball games, and spend a fortune on Christmas! Its worth it. All of them has helped me through this rough patch of my life from my older brothers taking me out for a drink and telling me he was an “asshole” anyways, my teenage sister wiping away my tears and watching Gilmore Girls with me, my ever growing 9yo brother who makes me smile just by seeing the excitement in his face because baseball season is quickly approaching, to my 2nd grade sister challenging me at a game of Princess Monopoly, all the way down to my tiny petite toddler sis chasing me around playing hide and go seek shrieking with laughter.

Truth be told.. Im not on great terms with my 19yo brother but we still love each other immensly and things will pass. That’s a whole different blog.. I have lots of blogging material. Cant ya tell?

Misc Fam - Yup.. The Aunts/Uncles/Grandmas/Grandpa/Cousins/Great Aunts Etc. They are a lovable bunch and they love me too!

BPD Pal - I think she is the only good thing that happened to me through MySpace. I started talking to her not even a year ago and we quickly bonded. Whats so great about her besides the fact she is beautiful inside and out? She gets me. Its as simple as that she gets the complex “me” whom I often don’t get myself. I sometimes think she is a guardian angel or some sort of magical woman who has given me the strength I have today.

Work Pals - I am extremely close to two gals (I hate that word.. Im not sure why I am using it. Its so “granny”.) that I work with. They are too of the most intriguing intelligent and for the most part independent woman that I know. They keep me sane with “pep talks” throughout the work day and handle my workload when they know I cant keep up with my own slack due to “TMSOB” syndrome (too much shit on the brain). They make sure my coffee cup is full and just today one of them made sure I didn’t walk around like a total ass with a price tag still on my suit jacket. In short, they are good friends not just coworkers. Proof not all women in the office setting are “catty jealous bitches”.

Misc Pals - I am lucky enough to say I have a handful of friends that would come to my rescue if I had a flat tire (random fact - I had a total of 4 flat tires this past winter) and another handful of girlfriends who would grab a latte to lend an ear (random fact - I drink a lot of coffee). I think at this point of my life I have the most supportive and loyal friends a girl could ask for. I weeded (is this a word?) out all of the bad and trust me there were a couple of bad weeds. One of which I am currently trying to pull out is my best friend of 17 years (Again.. another blog/different day).

In conclusion, I am loved. I sometimes don’t realize how much but I am. I really hope this whole blogging community grows to love me too!