There comes a time when it no longer hurts and the jealousy you may hold fades.

This happens when you are truely happy and content.

There will always be a little of me that misses your touch, laugh, and every other tiny thing that my memory cannot escape. I wonder if one day I can look back and laugh or smile at the good times we had. Right now my eyes fill with tears. When can I reminisce and laugh? When will that time come? I just cant escape my ideal; we were meant for each other and it was my definition of true love but in my eyes true love is infinite. We obviously are not. My throat tightens as I look at the pictures displayed on my screen with the one captioned “Future Wife”, shes not me and never will be me, as I will never be her and have you.

“My tears are turning into time. I’ve wasted trying to find a reason for Goodbye.”

do I feel the need to go stalkerella on my 1st real boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with?  Over the past 6 years they have broken up 342343 times, he has been in rehab, found God, cheated on her again, stole from her, tried to date me again while still continuing to talk to her, and now they are back in love.

The sad thing is it still bothers me.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

I feel as if I am out of harms way because its so long ago but I still feel twinges of jealousy when being notified of there status via MySpace.

things are heavy around here.  can you tell?  That’s a rhetorical question.

Lucky for me and you, I stumbled upon some foolish blog fodder last night.

I have a sick, twisted, confusing relationship with an ex who for anonymity’s sake we call ExGreek.

My intuition and experience tell me ExGreek is just fucked in the brain.

Anywho, ExGreek texted me out of the blue a few weeks back to tell me he had joined E Harmony.  I laughed hard.  ExGreek is the most commitment phobic confused male I have ever met and from my understanding people who joined E Harmony were looking to commit.  I wished him good luck on his future endeavors and warned him that E Harmony was made for those who wanted a serious relationship.  He told me that was what he wanted.  I laughed again in text, “Ha Ha Ha… sure”.

Over the past few weeks we have exchanged text messages.  To be honest I was intrigued by his experiences with E Harmony and wondered what type of epiphany he had in regards to suddenly wanting marriage in the very near future.

I hadn’t heard from him for a week and figured I would throw a text at him asking how finding his future wife on E Harmony was going.

I will let our textversation explain the rest.

Me:  Hey. How is the search for your future wife going?

Him:  My search is over.

Me:  Oh, it didn’t work out huh?  I am sorry to hear that.

Him:  I think I found her.  The search is over.  She met my Mom last night.  I am going to propose.

Me:  Oh really…  How are you going to propose?

Him:  Not like you people do in the states.  I will explain to you some other time.  Is there anything I could have done differently when we had sex to make it better?

Me:  Uh…  Well, I never wanted to tell you this but now that I have seen more “members” yours is a little small.  I saw an advertisement for some cream out there that enlarges it.

Him:  Really?  There is a pump too.  You can buy it at Lovers Lane.  Will you buy it for me.  I will give you the money.

Me:  I don’t know if I would feel comfortable going and buy a penis enlarging cream and pump.

Him:  How do you think it would look if I went?  Please. 

Me:  I will think about it but I am not making any promises.

He has text messaged me twice this morning asking if I am able to go to the store for his penis enlargement items.  Gah!

Am I evil?  He deserves it.  Remember the provocative pic fiasco? 

The tracksuit follows me from relationship to relationship. 

“Do you wear tracksuits?” was one of the 1st questions I asked Frappe.

His response, “Of course I do!  I love my tracksuits and pumas.  The last time I counted I had 22 tracksuits.”

I then immediately knew he smoked Marlboro Lights, played Party Poker, drank Frappes, never valeted his car but paid valet anyways, called waitresses “honey”, and always backed into parking spots never straight in.

I was correct on all accounts.

I wasn’t surprised about his collection of tracksuits. I was a tad bit disappointed and have hopes he knows when a tracksuit is proper attire and when to trade in the tracksuit for jeans or slacks.

ExAss wore a tracksuit everywhere, from the café to the beach in 90 degree weather.

Here is to hoping that the tracksuit only makes select appearances when appropriate in this relationship.  I hope I have finally learned how to keep the tracksuit in check.

On a lighter note, Greek men always treasure the tracksuit you purchase for them but not as much as the one their Mother bought. A tracksuit is the perfect go to gift for the special Mediterranean man in your life.

Mediterranean = TRACKSUITS

I have yet to see Frappe in a tracksuit but it was one of the first questions I had asked him when we first began talking.

“Of course I wear tracksuits! I own 22 in total with matching Pumas for all of them.” Prove my stereotypes right!

Today is Valentine’s Day.  In case you haven’t heard.  Thus far today I have completed a 1 hour personal training session, made 3 dozen Ghirardelli kiss shortbread cookies, and showered.

I’m already tired.  Yawn.

Where am I going with this Valentine post of mine?  I have no clue.

Let’s take a look at last Valentine’s Day.  I was newly single, still heartbroken but healing quickly, and fat.  Ha.  I received 3 bouquets of flowers from 3 different guys.  These men no longer talk to me.  Ha.  I lost 3 guys in my life in a year!  Does ExAss really count though?

Anywho…

This Valentine’s Day I have spent time with Bacci and took tons of pictures of him in his red polo with his Valentine’s Day basket complete with 2 toys and Lil’ Beggin Strips.  We all know Bacci only receives Beggin Strips on holidays. 

Bacci is the only guy I need.

Later this evening I will be at Medieval Times with Frappe, per my request.  If I am lucky he will fulfill my request for a single fake rose adorned with glitter purchases at a gas station.  We will then head over to the Melting Pot because he doesn’t feel Medieval Times is “romantic” enough. 

I am off to package my cookies for my 2 bestest and Frappe.

Let’s hope a knight tosses me a rose!

It has been a year.

365 days have come and gone with a trail of tears left behind. It has not been effortless or uncomplicated. I’ve held on with all of my strength and I have been incapable of holding back the tears of what was. Many tears have dropped as the memories passed.

Alas, new memories have been acquired.

I have made it through Valentine’s Day, Cubs opening day at Wrigley, Easter both Greek and Christian, a season of my youngest brother’s little league baseball games, his birthday, Thanksgiving, his Name Day, my birthday, Christmas, New Years Eve, the “anniversary” of the breakup, and now today the last memory, what would have been our 3 year anniversary together.

Holidays were no longer just holidays but classified as the “1^st holiday I spent without him”. I celebrated but a part of me mourned.

Memories of “us” inundated my mind on the above dates. What was, what could have, and what would never be. Memories even the strongest floodgates could not deny.

It has not only been the passing dates on the calendar that fill my eyes with tears.

It has also been the things, both small and big from the Starbucks where we had first met to my youngest brother’s remarks of missing him.  I so desperately wanted to phone him on numerous occasions to let him know of something that only we would be happy about; one of our favorite restaurants opening right down the street from us or the release of the Starbucks Gold Card to name a couple of occasions.  I could see the dissapointment in his face and the excitement.

I was going to rekindle how we met and the memories we had shared but decided against it. The memories will last forever in my heart and there is no need to document them. The past is just a memory. 

Many say they will fade but I don’t believe this to be true. One never forgets their first love. 

I am one who prefers to quickly forget rather than pine but this has not been the case in this circumstance.  The memories could not be destroyed.

We were inseparable from the day we had met. Love hit me hard and in the beginning I could not accept it. Cue self-sabotage. Thank you BPD. My insecurities and inability to trust were too strong. I felt falling in love was weak and refused to have my heart trampled on even if it meant never experiencing love. I didn’t feel good enough to experience the love I yearned for. The negative thoughts escaped, “Why would anyone care/love/want me?”

If it was up to me the relationship wouldn’t have passed the 1 month mark. He held me down and refused to let me give up in fear or the inevitable, falling head over heels.

I learned to trust him. I learned to love myself. I let go. We fell in love.

Little did I know that 2 years later I would be left broken with just pieces of a heart which I would have to mend on my own with the love I had learned I deserve.

I can’t get through this. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate love. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate the feeling of not being good enough. I hate the pain. I hate hurting. I hate trusting. I hate being alone. I hate missing him. I hate myself for everything.

Note: The drama of the breakup is not something I forgot. He was not an angel and I have no idea of who he became in such a short -time but it was not the man I dated for 2 years.

Loving myself is still a work in progress

I turned twenty-seven over the weekend.  Actually, today because I am dating this post back to my birthday, December 20th.  Archive reasons!

Twenty-Seven random things that occurred on December 20, 2008:

1.      I burned 400 calories on the elliptical

2.      I bought myself a tanning package to attempt to darken my “Casper” looking self.  I thought I was done with the bronze winter look but I’m not. 

3.      DYE job!  My hair is back to its dark chestnut brown.  I also think I found a new stylist.  Now only if she doesn’t run away like the other 2 potential stylists I have found in 2008.

4.      Chicago was blessed with RIDICULOUS weather.  The average temp for the day was 7.6 degrees and the snow did not stop falling.

5.      My Mom made me 27 cupcakes all topped with homemade white icing and pink sprinkles!

6.      Bacci helped me blow out my candles.

7.      My besties and I spent an hour driving around Lincoln Park in a snowstorm trying to find parking for our “original” destination of Vida Lounge.  Vida Lounge get VALET!

8.      Neither Jax nor I freaked out but rather played it “cool”.  We are very impatient people.  We immediately high five each other after we decided to get back onto 90-94 and change up the destination.

9.      Needless to say we hightailed it to Cafe Iberico after an hour of no luck in the parking spot department.

10.  I received a pair of hot gold Guess shoes from my bestie L. See! See!  Also. pictured is my Lola Martini Glass “Its 5′oclock Somewhere” that I got from Jax.

11.  Jax also armed me with what she calls “Single Girl Clutch” and L adorned me with a Givenchy Face on the Go Kit.  They look awesome but ..

12.  Look at how effing fun they are opened!

13.  Us 3 girls breezed through 2 full pitchers of Sangria in record time.

14.  We ordered 6 tappas and had lots of leftovers.

15.  My besties suprised me with an orgasm in my mouth. Hello… go right now and try Cafe Iberico’s BIZCOCHO BORRACHO! 

16.  We spent 20 minutes deciding if our next destination would be Moda or Manor.   We eventually decided on Moda.

17.  The first round of drinks consisted of 3 Bacardi Diets and 3 lemondrop shots.  That’s how we do!

18.  A guy “accidentally” spilled L’s drink and made it up to us by purchasing our next 2 rounds of drinks.

19.  We danced a lot.  Per the usual.

20.  We burrowed between 2 HUGE bouncers sheltering us from the violent Chicago winds as we waited for valet to bring around the car.

21.  We decided to go to an after-hours bar near our side of town.

22.  We lasted 5 minutes until we realized it was much too lame and demanded our $15 total in cover back.

23.  Jax got stuck in a snow bank in front of my house.

24.  L attempted to “unstuck” Jax’s car.

25.  My baby brother came to the rescue

26.  I fell asleep without pants.

27.  Definitely one of the best birthdays in my 27 years!

 Waking up on my 27th birthday I wasnt in the best of moods.  I was celebrating without “him” and I wouldnt be cuddled up ending my birthday with him and my fingers, ears, or neck adorned with diamonds.

I wasnt okay with it then but as my birthday drawed to a close I realized the diamonds I had as friends and family were all that mattered.

Me and my Kilometer at CHRISTKINDLMARKET at Daly Plaza going on until December 24th.  DO NOT drink the spiced wine if you are allergic to red wine because you will become deathly sick.

This is the only weiner that has come close to my lips this year and one of the two that has ever came near my lips in my lifetime.

I had a deep discussion with Jax the other day in regards to FELLATIO and figured I would do as I usually do and bring the topic at hand to the blog.

I dont do it.  I have in the past.  I probablly sloshed on ExAss’s nob about 5 times in the 2-years we were dating and it was in the second year of our relationship and I was stone cold drunk about 2 of the 5 times.

I dont give head.

No man has ever been strong enough to pull my hair and place their member in my mouth.

I dont enjoy deep throating a summer sausage.

No thanks.  ExAss got it because I loved him and not because I necessarily enjoyed it.  I didnt enjoy it.

Its just not for me and its definitely not something that I enjoy doing.

Jax told me of a friend of hers who actually enjoys it.  I really think the “friend” is full of shit.  The friend says she cant wait to see her boyfriend because she can get down, literally.

Huh?  I just cant imagine someone liking and enjoying being hammered via the mouth.

I mean mad props if you do and perhaps you can persuade me to in the future but I really doubt it.

and let me put the one lie to rest.  I do not give but I have enjoyed oral sexual gratification from men in the past.

You do not have to give to receive.  Dont let them trick you girls!

Join in on the discussion.

I dialed while tipsy last weekend.  I actually tipsy dialed post my mental breakdown that Friday night. 
 
Who did I dial?  I dialed ExGreek.  Not to be confused with my most current Greek, ExAss.
 
Thank the drunk dialing lords for not allowing that telephone call to take place. I would be sobbing to a voicemail or worse sobbing to him.  My blackberry would be soaked with my salty tears. 
 
Yikes. Scary stuff.
 
I figure at least I am more tangible when it comes to ExGreek. 
 
Although, there was a time I kind of thought we were soulmates.  I was young and dumb.  Whatevs.  I actually don’t give a shit about him now therefore he can deal with me being a bitch and spouting on and on about how he lost me and will be miserable for the rest of his life.  He just sits and listens.
 
Sucker.
 
It gets worse. 
 
Does someone have a paper bag because I am ashamed.
 
A few weeks ago he text messaged me out of the blue because that’s what he likes to do and I did something wrong, very wrong.
 
I pretended to be my sister and told him I was in a horrible car accident which landed me in the hospital.
 
As we all know I was indeed in a car accident but I was not in the hospital nor injured.
 
He reacted very worried but then just left things be once my “sister” told him I would live.
 
I continued the lie when I spoke to him on Friday.
 
Yup… I am a liar.  I couldn’t just fess up and tell him it was a big spiel to play yet another mind game with him to get back at him for fucking me over so many years ago because that just sounds even crazier.