I sit here finishing my 6th (?) diet coke and black cherry rum cocktail… I feel raw but numb.  Unappreciated but undeserving.  Silent but loud.

The constant contradictions can be overwhelming especially after one too many drinks, but I cant help but feel like the victim.  I am giving things my all, or what I believe is my all and not receiving enough to fill the void.  I give my services and gifts but never my wholehearted intimate feelings.  I fill the void and empty love.  A love that is true but empty.

One day things will work themselves out but for now its a constant battle between myself and the emptiness.

I gots a job bitches!

After enduring an excruciating hour telephone interview that included all crazy get in your head questions, 4 hour technical in-person interview with 5 different people, application process which had to include 3 personal references, an online reference questionnaire to be completed in 48 hours by 3 past coworkers and 2 past supervisors, credit check, background check, and education check.

I received the telephone call Friday and had tears in my eyes. I actually missed the call and returned the call.  In true K fashion I was afraid, I thought it would be another rejection to file with the others and put another dent in my dwindling self-esteem, but NOPE.

Instead, it was a telephone call with an offer of an amount that was even more than I had been making at my last REAL* position and I am not talking this nightmare, 160 hours of PTO (Paid Time Off), 7 holidays plus 2 additional floating holidays, medical, dental, and vision effective START DATE which happens to be June 9th, a senior staff position, and a bunch of other little perks that make me glow.

When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
~Author Unknown

Note: I have a lot more to talk about but unfortunately Armani was hospitalized last night due to a busted Pancreas.  CUE REALLY REALLY worried girlfriend.

NO, this post does not pertain to any type of baby making for me.  QUIET with that nonsense.  I am finally doing okay, not mentally breaking down that is with the fact that Armani has moved in with me!!!  Yes, indeed I am in my 1st adult relationship and dealing with it one freak-out after another but hey I am dealing with it right?  It also helps that I love every ounce of him with every ounce of my beating heart.

Back to the baby business… Armani’s older sister is expecting her first baby, which is a boy in case that matters.  I was thinking of getting her one of these nursing bracelets which can be found here but then I found a digital reminder thingy which can be found here.

I am torn.  I like how simplistic and sentimental the bracelet is but then the baby care timer looks so much more efficient?

Thoughts?

He made me promise not to post these pics on facebook, I kept my promise sorta with the exception of the last pic but I cut out the fact that he was on a children’s taxi at a playground.  He did tell me I could share them on my blog.  How cool is he?

Life has been crazy.  It’s been a mixture of different types of crazy.

I am crazy in love with Armani. You know what they say… there comes a point in life where you just get it.  I just get it.  I believe.

The homestead is just getting settled but there is a reason a little flag hangs in front of the house reading “Welcome to the NUT HOUSE” with squirrels in a fall scene.  L and I have gotten into numerous heated fights.  In conclusion to that little saga… we will never be friends again.  I will be cordial seeing she is my brother’s girlfriend of 10 years but it will stop there.

I am currently at my Mom’s house sharing a king bed with her for the night because my younger brother is gone for the weekend celebrating his 10 year DATING anniversary with L, Uncle is in the hospital - hoping its nothing too serious but he is in severe pain in his pancreas, and Armani has a birthday party to attend. I still cannot fathom staying at home alone.  I know I can do it but I would rather not.  It’s difficult enough for me sleeping without Armani and I cannot imagine sleeping without Armani and in an empty house.

Oh ya did I mention Armani drives over 1 hour and 20 minutes to sleep with me almost nightly and then wakes to drive to work which is 1 hour and 20 minutes away.  He is indeed crazy.  I am really looking forward to the day, which I hope is very soon that he drives home from work to OUR home.  I am planning on moving out after I hopefully land a job.  Lets keep our fingers crossed???!!!

I’m ready to grow up.  I know sleeping with my Mom doesn’t quite support that fact but I am.  I need to grow.  I cannot grow in the household that I am currently in.

What is this pic you ask?  

Its a crane machine where the object is to catch a live lobster.  Its $2 a shot and I am pretty sure Armani wasted about $20 and did not win a live lobster.  If you do win a lobster the restaurant cooks it up for you.

Strange? Odd? Has anyone else seen one of these?

Alright ya have the Club Soda, Bacardi, Diet Coke, No Carb Rockstar, and prepackaged pineapple and apple slices!

Ha.  All jokes aside.  I have become pretty damn domestic since being abandoned left to fend for myself.  As I have mentioned in previous posts I have began to become one with the kitchen.  My most recent delicacy was this mac & cheese recipe I found on All Recipes which has become a site I peruse daily.

Domestic Diva much?

Alright I wont push it.  I have the cleaning bit down but could use some assistance in the gardening and cooking areas.

Le Sigh… More of how I have been finding my inner domestic diva to come in future posts.  Lets just say I did Armani’s laundry.  Shhhh…

I dont know where to begin.  I feel triumphant but also vulnerable.

Armani and I got into our first argument last night which stemmed from my past inability to cut ties with men of the past.  In past relationships I have always felt the need to have ties with an ex because I felt I was putting too much on the table if I didn’t.  

For the first time in my life I do not feel that way.  I have faith in us.  I feel no need for validation from other men of my beauty, humor, or intelligence.  I give myself the validation and Armani confirms it.  I do not fear abandonment *as much* as I have in the past. 

I made a decision to change my cell phone number.  Why?  I needed to let go of the past.  I needed to feel renewed.  I no longer need to be held up by strings of the past.

I feel liberated.  The past is where it belongs.

in his arms.

As you could have guessed or assumed from my tweets and blog postings, things with Armani are amazing.

OUT - OF - THIS - WORLD

What do I love?  Why do I love? What makes me love him?

I love the small birthmark he has on his cheek, his lips and the way they kiss me; sending shivers down my spine and butterflies dancing in my belly, his ability to be true, his honesty and genuine heart, the way he interacts with Bacci “wanna go? wanna go?”, how hard he tries to teach Bacci “paw”, he respects me, the way he calls me his “beautiful little lady”, his ability to make me feel beautiful in a pair of boxers and tank, he makes me laugh and smile, he is an unbelievable lover, he makes sure I am comfortable, he says the cutest things to me, he is an excellent farmer, he has drive and ambition, he believes in Karma, he is not embarrassed to kiss me and call me pet names in front of others, the way he holds my hand, the comfort I feel in his arms, the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me…

Oh dear readers:  I have a feeling this list will grow…