2.  Tortellini Soup made with love from MOM!

3.  Shark Tank

4.  Getting back into the blog of things

5.  Hearing someone who has tried and put her whole heart into conceiving is PREGNANT!

OH MY!

I’m late. This occurs quite a bit but I had a bit of a snafu with the pill earlier this month which makes “I’m ‘late” much worse than the usual “I’m late”.  Get me?  Its more of a “holy shit… I’m late. I really don’t want to push anything out of my vag in 9 months.”  My younger brothers and sisters are usually a reminder to take my birth control pill religiously daily at the same time.

Side Note:  I hate the pill. I gained the 10 lbs.  It makes me an even more volatile bitch.  Sex drive? Pfft..  Let’s not even go there. I hate all things related to taking the pill with the exception of its reliability rate when taken CORRECTLY!  I wish more than anything I could discontinue the pill without worrying about getting Preggo, but its really not an option. The pill is the most reliable option for me.  Who is going to invent the on/off switch to a woman’s ovaries?   Anyhoots… go read this post which sparked me to blog about my aggravations with the tiny little white pill many take daily.

As of lately I feel as if I have been bombarded with all things “baby” or lack there of.  It freaks me out.  Everything is a sign to me; flipping the channel to “Little People Adopt” to “16 and Pregnant” to blogs about infertility or blogs about 1st time pregnancy.  It doesn’t help that Armani’s sister is expecting her first child in April and the baby shower is next weekend. One thing I have always known is I love shopping for baby clothes.  Sigh… matching booties, socks, mittens, and hats!

All things pregnancy freak  for more reasons than one.  I never thought I was maternal in nature.  Crying babies, children running around stores, and awkward teenagers or even worse rebellious teenagers scare the living shit out of me.  I’m the oldest of 6.  This could be the reason why.  I feel I co-parent(ed) my 15 year old sister and crying babies, dirty diapers, and temper tantrums are 2nd nature to me. Having a baby?  I just  have recently came to the terms that I have to take care of myself, how am I supposed to care for another person?  I work for Jelly Beans.  I cannot afford diapers, formula, and baby wipes!  I never thought I wanted a child of my own.

This has changed since growing up quite a bit this past year and meeting Armani.  I know I want to have a child, preferably at the age of 34 not 28.  The fertility blogs make me wonder if I willl ever be able to conceive and if my plan of doing so at 34-35 will fail miserably and leave me too old and infertile.

I have always been pro-choice and in my mind if I was to have an unplanned pregnancy I would abort the pregnancy.

The scary part?

Armani is not pro-choice and I am unsure if I feel the same way as I did before I “grew” up.  I am still pro-choice but I do not think that would be an option for me right now.  I’m 28 years old.  There are women out there who are struggling with infertility.  The excuse of a pregnancy being unplanned is no longer valid.

LETS NOT GET JUDGY JUDGE JUDGY!

In conclusion, the scary part about the missing period in question is the fact that I have grown up and abortion is no longer an option.

I’m not a stripper.  I’m not selling my vag. I’m not stealing deodorant and body wash from Walgreens to sell at the flea market.

I’m simply working an entry level office assistant position making approximately $25 (if…lets hope) more a week than I did collecting unemployment.  The kicker?  I don’t even receive medical benefits and I am working for a healtchare agency.  HEALTHCARE.

Do I sound pretentious?  Yup.  Am I judgmental?  Sure as fuck.

Let me describe the woman who is training me or attempting to train me, as she doesn’t do a very good job at it.  She is too busy receiving personal cell phone calls from her Pink Motorola that blares an unknown Rhianna ring-tone.

Let me throw some educated guesses out there.

She is a 20-something mother.  I’m guessing single mother.  I do not see a ring but I do see a small picture of a child who looks about 6 years old hanging on the bulletin board above her desk.   She scrunches her hair in the morning probably with a 2010 version of Aqua Net immediately after washing it with VO5 - ala wet Poodle.  She stuffs herself in clothes that are both too small and appropriate for a 16 year old getting ready to hang out at the mall.  She mentioned she has court tomorrow and I am guessing its for a domestic violence case or child support.

Lets talk about the lack of…

I share an office with a woman who hasn’t tried to welcome me what-so-ever.  I kept a warm smile, commented on the temperature, etc.  I received NOTHING in return.  There is no interoffice email.  There is no electronic time clock, its pen to paper!  I kind of feel like how I think the outsourced help in India feel.

It’s that bad.

Perhaps this little ol’ attitude of mine is why I do not have the job of my dreams.

Let me step off my pink glittery soapbox because it is approaching 5 pm and everyone is hustling to get out of here.  This worries me.

I’m not sure how I feel right now… I landed myself a shitty ass office assistant position where I will be making LESS than I do on unemployment. I know, its a job.

I felt when I actually got a JOB I would feel excited and I’m not. Nope. A tiny bit? Nada.

I’m sitting here at my 5 year old sister’s dance class where she is warming up to “Poker Face” and I can’t smile or laugh. I feel numb.

Side Note: I want to smack the chit chatty suburban mothers talking catty about others, the neighborhood drink specials, and 1st grade field trips. It really is THAT bad.

Well, I’m off to try and disect my feelings or lack of them.

2. Buying paper towels and toilet paper in BULK. Less trips to the store for mundane items!

3. The fact that Armani enjoys fixing things

4. Playing Operation and Jenga on Wii with your baby brother, sister, and love.

5. Good pizza

How are you spending this Saturday?

2.  Armani surprising me by doing ALL of our laundry before I even woke up this morning and even better doing it to my expectations.

3.  Iced Tea made at home

4.  Lotion for my dry winter elbows

5.  Scoring super cheap certificates from Restaurant.com

I don’t know how to deal.

I once again went to her to discuss how I was feeling in regards to her remaining or even beginning a friendship with my Ex Best Friend of 15+ years.  They were never FRIENDS before I ended my friendship with my Ex Best Friend.  There were times I had to tell Ex Best Friend to layoff talking shit to L because she knew she could get away with it.  On her 25th birthday she questioned if L stole the money for the bar tab.

I ended my friendship with the Ex Best Friend over 2 years ago.  It wasn’t healthy.  She had hurt me both physically and emotionally in the past.  I wasn’t innocent but the animosity we had for each other was too much to bear.  We were like sisters.  My Dad even took temporary custody of her for a year when we were in high school so she could go to my high school and live with us.

The end of the friendship hurt me.  It still kills me to this day.

What hurts the most?  My brother gf who I have been GOOD GOOD, even BEST friends with for many many years and thought of her as my little sister deciding to remain in contact with this girl against my wishes.  I introduced her to designer jeans, brought her to her first club, and never spoke ill of her.

Well… since the breakup with my EX Best Friend she has continued her “friendship” with her.  The funny thing is they NEVER hung out or bonded before I ended things with my Ex Best Friend.

Tears.  I have spoken to her numerous times asking her to respect me and only remain an acquaintance with the girl.  I told her it was not healthy for me to remain in contact with her and I could never attend something that she was also attending.  It would be a disaster.  On L’s past birthday I received a text inviting me to her birthday with the following wording “My Birthday is at blah blah blah.  You are invited but M is going to be there and if you don’t like it then you don’t have to come”.  This was when I was going through all of the shit with Frappe.  I was devastated.

We didn’t speak for the 7 months and started talking again in early December.  She promised she would put our friendship first and only be of an aquaintence to the Ex Best Friend.

Facebook slaps me in the face.  My manipulative Ex Best Friend begins friending my family and then I hear of things from my family members who added her our of curiosity that I didn’t want to hear.  L chit-chatting about how she could not wait to have tacos, pictures of her at my Ex Best Friend’s birthday, etc.

It hurts.  It kills.

I confronted her yesterday.  I cried.  She laughed.  She blamed me for ruining any friendship she has had in the past that has failed.  She pretty much told me “oh well”.

I’m lost.  I see this girl on a daily basis.  My brother lives with me. She will be my SIL in a few years.

This is by far worse than any breakup I have endured.

Advice?  Words to get through this?

Back to the baby business… Armani’s older sister is expecting her first baby, which is a boy in case that matters.  I was thinking of getting her one of these nursing bracelets which can be found here but then I found a digital reminder thingy which can be found here.

I am torn.  I like how simplistic and sentimental the bracelet is but then the baby care timer looks so much more efficient?

Thoughts?

]]> http://wannaberealitysuperstar.com/?feed=rss2&p=523 http://wannaberealitysuperstar.com/?p=522 http://wannaberealitysuperstar.com/?p=522#comments Wed, 13 Jan 2010 04:19:04 +0000 K http://wannaberealitysuperstar.com/?p=522 that gets me to post these days, and I am using “these days” loosely; I haven’t blogged in months!  I was quite disturbed when I saw the date of my last post.  Why?  Blogging for me is a way to keep myself sane.  Perhaps this is why I am one emotional fucked up girl these days.  Then again… I doubt it.

It’s my friend DEPRESSION sinking its ugly teeth into my life and BPD cheering him on.

These last few days have been rough.  I am pretty sure the month of January has always been a rough month for me.  All of the rush rush of the holiday season is over and my mind gets back to thinking and over-thinking and analyzing and over-analyzing.

HELLO!  I am happiest when I am busy, thus my mind doesn’t have time to turn evil and backlash at me.

Obviously… blogging is a form of catharsis for me.  I need to hear myself out and read what I write in order to believe it.

Well… was this post a recap of this girls life?  nah… Was it much substance?  nah…  I am not one to just jump the gun and start trusting people with the inside of my mind and life.  Stick around for a bit and I promise I will be coming around here more frequently.  I am just getting my feet wet.  You cant put out on the first date, and trust me this sure and well could be a first date. My last post was dated back in NOVEMBER of 2009!