I didn’t want to do this - but I am. This is my 3rd post today. What the hell is the matter with my crazy ass blogging self?

My BFF L logged onto my MySpace account today to update my header (to kind of show .. Im not done with MySpace but not on it daily). Anyways.. She let me know ExAss deleted the shit about me on his page. This is what I wanted. I should be happy. I am to an extent. I feel closure seeing that I didn’t react to his immature ways. See Post.

I won. I walked away with my dignity and did not respond to their immature assault.

She warned me they both (him and his new girlfriend) had a new picture up, of course displaying themselves as the “perfect couple”. The good thing.. The new girlfriend actually looks like herself (which isnt that good.. I wouldn’t talk smack but she is the one that started the harassment). I also am a firm believer in giving people credit when credit is due. There is no credit to be given to her. She is an immature not so nice looking woman. Her previous default displayed her like a model. Why do people display MySpace defaults that don’t even resemble themselves? I mean cmon!

Im shaking. Im okay. Im shaking. Im okay.

I asked about her status message “Cannot wait to celebrate Opening Day with my baby”. Ya.. This hit home. Opening Day was our thing, this hurts and to be quite honest this is half of the reason why I was in such a shitty downer mood today. I kept thinking of us sharing Opening Day together. I remember the two Opening Days we shared so vividly.

My friend brought light “You have been there and done that”. She is right. I wonder if he escapes the memories and more than ever I wish I could escape the memories. I have to dispel these feelings, all of them.

However, I do know what we had was real and I cannot see someone just walking into his life and replacing me so quickly. It goes deeper than that. He has the “hero” syndrome and I really think this has a lot to do with why we broke up. I will post more on the “hero” syndrome in another blog.. Perhaps another day seeing this is my THIRD post today.

I just hope I make it through today with feelings of gratification, rather than the opposite. I should be nothing but proud. Proud I am a stronger woman who can stand on her own with dignity and pride.

Im strong and I can deal with any pitch that is thrown my way. Im not going to let an unexpected strike sit me down for the game. I cant.

Im not going to view his or her page. They are not a part of my life and I know what I want to know, they are no longer harassing me. I have to quit comparing myself to another woman. There is no comparison. Life goes on.. This too shall pass. I grew as a person, I outgrew him as he remained stagnant. There is nothing I shall analyze. I know he is not the one for me and knew this when we broke up. A new girl in the mix is nothing more than a new girl.

Once again, I have to refrain from taking things personally

Its gloomy. Its dreary. Its wet. This weather makes me dwindle down the path of self-misery. That is where I was going to travel with this post but at this very second I would rather pick myself up and turn down a different path.

I think of all of the cliques, “What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.” “When one door closes another opens”. Cliques are just truths we are sick of hearing and truths we would like to see fail.

I am stronger. I am at my strongest. I feel as if I am being thrown apples to juggle and with the addition of each apple, I almost fail but in the end I juggle and continue juggling.

I am on a path to self-discovery, a path some people never venture down. I am understanding me, dealing with the issues I face, and working my ass off to overcome them. I am becoming my own person and not the shadow of a loved one. I refuse to live a life of self-deprication and insecurities.

In conclusion, I am “better”. I am in a better place spiritually, mentally, and physically than where I was a year ago and most importantly I am standing alone and understanding what it feels like to be “in my skin”.

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?

-Nhat Hanh

Today has started off shitty.. REAL shitty.

1. I woke up late. I know this really isn’t against my norm but I didn’t shower last night and did not have my clothes ready. Hence, I should have woken up earlier. I skedaddled out of my house at 8:15 looking like a drowned rat in an awful outfit similar to that scene on 13 going on 30 where she is running late for work with her skirt tucked into her nylons. This was me!

2. Shitty traffic - Its drizzling people. SLIGHT precipitation. Why are we driving like we are in the midst of a hurricane? My usual morning commute took me double the time because god help it if Chicago drivers knew how to drive in the rain!

3. I arrive to work with a problem sitting on my desk. One of the guys in my group placed a trade because he said I said the money would be there to cover it. I do not remember myself saying this but whatever he has the seniority and the axe chops my head off. I then get an email from him pissed at me when he just doesn’t know how to read the task updates I send him. Im pissed. I take full blame when I am wrong and I was not wrong in this circumstance. Way to start a Monday!

4. My weekend was everything but pleasant.

To summarize..

My Mother is not doing well and we are once again not on speaking terms; I refuse to speak to her until she gets the help she needs. My sister and I are not on speaking terms because she is a belligerent 13 year old going on 30. I almost called the police on my alcoholic Uncle. I think that’s about it. I don’t think things can get anymore dysfunctional.

My tone must sound nonchalant but I’m not. All of this is distressing me. I need to vent but I have no inspo right now. The words aren’t flowing.

Dear Chelsea:

I want to first off say I am PRO-Hillary. In my opinion, you have a very intelligent Mother who I hope takes over the White House in 2008.

Now, my main reason for writing.

“And, I dont think thats any of your business” oh really!? Are you saying America does not deserve to know where you think your mother stands in the credibility arena? It was quite obvious you reacted to that question as if the student was asking you if your parents had taboo fetishes in the bedroom. You reacted as if you were speaking down to a peasant!

You are no longer twelve, and campaigning for your mother does not end at smiling and reciting the Star Spangled Banner. You are going to encounter a question or two that might make you feel a tad bit uncomfortable, but I think it would be at your best stature to answer the questions and not with a foolish short catty reply.

Earth Hour

Who is participating? I myself am. Im not very “green” if at all but I will be participating.

What are the odds? Ive been doing some internet research and some sites have the Cubs listed at 14 to 1 and some 9 to 2 either way its time to start sporting the CUBBIE BLUE!

Im twenty-six and this is something I should know by now. The cuter the drink the bigger the stomachache.

ExAss and I broke up the first week of January. I have been single for 12 weeks today. I have went on 0 dates, there are 0 dates in the future, and 0 romantic possibilities. I didn’t even have a rebound!

Sure.. He stabbed me with the knife when he broke up with me out of the blue and then twisted it when he deliberately made sure I knew about his newfound relationship and talked trash about what we had for 2 years. All I can do is picture him gliding through life hands entwined with another woman while I am at a stand still, what sucks the most this woman has a face and a name. This hurts like hell.

Thoughts flood my head. Why does this relationship still hold such a strong grip? When will I move on? Have I moved on? When will I relinquish myself to the fulfilling feeling of no longer harboring a past pain?

The negative thinking begins. There is no way I will ever find a more fulfilling reltionship. I know this is shit talking but I believe it. I do believe I have used my alotted time to being a miserable self-pitying imbecile.

Does that mean I am over it and am just having a hard time to let it go fully and move on..??

Me: “You just turned right on red at a No Turn On Red 7am - 7pm.. The sign doesn’t read Pacific Time”

StepDad: “Im driving and you’re not. The light turned green as I passed it. Why am I arguing with you or defending myself little girl?”

Insert random facts about Pink Floyd here. Yup. My straightedge Dad has a thing for Floyd.

Me: “You’re going 60mph on a Chicago expressway. You’re going to get shot”

Insert random conversation about Scotland here. My Dad is Scottish and moved here when he was 22.

StepDad: “Im not driving 60mph anymore.. Now I am driving 55mph. The Rangers play the Celtics on Sunday (huge soccer game in Scotland)”

StepDad: “We need to stop for coffee. Please tell me you’re not going to order one of those latte flatte frappe cappuccinos?!”

Me: “Damn right I am. Coffee with cream only is so boring! YAWN.”

As most have read my car is still in the shop and my Dad (note: I usually refer to my StepDad as Dad and my Father as Father) has drove me to work the past couple of days. I think he looks forward to it. I make him chuckle at least five times during our 30min commute. Its kind of cute. We were never CLOSE as I was growing up. I always looked at him as the strict mean StepFather that took my Mother away. Things have slowly changed and at the age of twenty-six we mesh. Its like he appreciates the attention I give him and I appreciate everything has done for me the past twenty-one years.

Its nice. It makes me smile.

I hate cars. My car is NOT fixed yet and I am throwing money at it like Im an old horny man throwing bills at a stripper.

It could be worse. My coworker takes public transportation from Lincoln Park to Oak Brook on the daily. I think its like a train, two busses, and a horse ride or something.

I hate CA tax returns. Why does the state of CA have to try and make everything so damn difficult? They are the most obnoxious returns to prepare.

It could be worse. I could be a tax professional living in CA doing CA returns non-stop for days at a time. I wouldn’t declare myself Captain Planet but CA is killing a lot of trees with their tax returns and wildfires.

I hate that I have procrastinated to do my state return.

It could be worse. I could have not filed my federal return either.

I hate that I work Saturday.

It could be worse. I could have to work every Saturday of the year and I do get a nice yummy lunch! Plus.. It keeps me off the streets.

Alright.. As you can see I am reaching for “hates”. Im done for now.

N - BEST guy friend a girl could ever ask for. He is there for me whenever I need him and doesn’t let me wallow in self misery for too long. He also does impromptu stuff (I like random!). He sent me a tongue scraper via the USPS just the other week. NO - He was not trying to imply I had the breath of a 50 year old man with tobacco stained fingers and decaying teeth! He is also very anal like myself. I think he lost sleep because his black socks weren’t paired in his sock drawer the other night. He also introduced me to my dental hygiene routine which is fantastic! My mouth has never been more cleanly.

L - One word.. AMAZING. That word doesn’t even give this girl justice. She has been my ROCK over the past 7.5 years. I’m truly blessed to have such a great BEST friend who is there with me through thick and thin. The best part about it, not only is she my BFFL (Im so grade school… AS IF! Ha.. Remember Clueless? Ok.. Im going off subject) she is also my brothers girlfriend which means I see her a ton and hopefully she will one day be my sister-in-law! She is not only an AMAZING best friend but also beautiful, stylish, ambitious, sweet (Mother Theresa sweet!), generous, hilarious, truthful, loyal, and a damn good time! If it wasn’t for her I would probably be a trapeze artist for a traveling circus.

Parents - I have two sets because I am lucky like that and also because I am the product of a divorce at the tender age of 5. This means I receive two sets of Christmas and Birthday presents but this also means I am one busy hustle and bustle bitch on holidays.

I am SUPER close to my Mother. My Step Dad and I have our own special bond which grows as I get older and more appreciative. My Dad and I have a difficult relationship but that’s a whole different blog and things are going “ok” with us at the present moment. My Step Mother is a saint for putting up with my Dad and we have also grown to become friends.

In conclusion, they all love me (every single piece of me) and they are there for me when and if I need them.

The Sibs - I have six of them with me being the oldest which in turn means I buy approximately 30 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, attend numerous dance recitals and baseball games, and spend a fortune on Christmas! Its worth it. All of them has helped me through this rough patch of my life from my older brothers taking me out for a drink and telling me he was an “asshole” anyways, my teenage sister wiping away my tears and watching Gilmore Girls with me, my ever growing 9yo brother who makes me smile just by seeing the excitement in his face because baseball season is quickly approaching, to my 2nd grade sister challenging me at a game of Princess Monopoly, all the way down to my tiny petite toddler sis chasing me around playing hide and go seek shrieking with laughter.

Truth be told.. Im not on great terms with my 19yo brother but we still love each other immensly and things will pass. That’s a whole different blog.. I have lots of blogging material. Cant ya tell?

Misc Fam - Yup.. The Aunts/Uncles/Grandmas/Grandpa/Cousins/Great Aunts Etc. They are a lovable bunch and they love me too!

BPD Pal - I think she is the only good thing that happened to me through MySpace. I started talking to her not even a year ago and we quickly bonded. Whats so great about her besides the fact she is beautiful inside and out? She gets me. Its as simple as that she gets the complex “me” whom I often don’t get myself. I sometimes think she is a guardian angel or some sort of magical woman who has given me the strength I have today.

Work Pals - I am extremely close to two gals (I hate that word.. Im not sure why I am using it. Its so “granny”.) that I work with. They are too of the most intriguing intelligent and for the most part independent woman that I know. They keep me sane with “pep talks” throughout the work day and handle my workload when they know I cant keep up with my own slack due to “TMSOB” syndrome (too much shit on the brain). They make sure my coffee cup is full and just today one of them made sure I didn’t walk around like a total ass with a price tag still on my suit jacket. In short, they are good friends not just coworkers. Proof not all women in the office setting are “catty jealous bitches”.

Misc Pals - I am lucky enough to say I have a handful of friends that would come to my rescue if I had a flat tire (random fact - I had a total of 4 flat tires this past winter) and another handful of girlfriends who would grab a latte to lend an ear (random fact - I drink a lot of coffee). I think at this point of my life I have the most supportive and loyal friends a girl could ask for. I weeded (is this a word?) out all of the bad and trust me there were a couple of bad weeds. One of which I am currently trying to pull out is my best friend of 17 years (Again.. another blog/different day).

In conclusion, I am loved. I sometimes don’t realize how much but I am. I really hope this whole blogging community grows to love me too!