about the SATC movie?!?!?!?!?!?
 
I leave work today at 3 pm and E will be going home with me.  Beforehand I need to stop off at the bank because I have $0 dollars.
 
I’m thinking I will be home by 4 and have 45 minutes to get ready.  I have decided on wearing something casual seeing I have also decided I will not be partaking in the all night escapades.  (Insert Pouts.. I don’t like acting like a grownup!)
 
Although, I will be going to Martini park for a couple of Cosmos!
 
I will be wearing my Michael Koor dark wash jeans, black low cut button down shirt which has a rather gaudy bow like thingy right under my cleavage, and a pair of strappy black sandals probably my Nine West ones from last season. 
 
My bestest are meeting at my house and I hope to be out the door by 4:45 – 5pm at the latest.
 
I will then at 6pm be seeing the most awaited movie of my lifetime – Sex and the City with my closest girlfriends!!

It was inevitable even though my crazy ass mind decided he was dead. 
 
Yup.. That’s how I got over him pretending he was dead.  Sick?  Twisted?  Yup.. those are all me.
 
I am also very sarcastic and being slightly so in the above.
 
I ran into ExAss this morning on 294 northbound.  I don’t think he deserves his name capitalized maybe exass should suffice.  I will save that for another day.
 
I can’t put much of a story together on the encounter.  Perhaps I don’t want to waste my writing talent on something so diminutive but in certain instances so huge.  Huge for my own personal growth that is.
 
I noticed his silver Jag and glared a little closer in my rearview mirror and it was indeed him in his trusty button down blue shirt that he always wears for the Friday meeting he attends up North.
 
I inventory in my mind:
 
He is still wearing that ugly blue shirt from Kohls.  His taste in fashion still sucks.
 
He still has his Jag which he has been wanting to get rid of since we were dating meaning he has yet to become a millionaire his main goal in his seemingly ambitious life.  I am stressing the word seemingly.
 
His car is covered in bird shit therefore he either didn’t park in the garage which is a rarity or is too depressed to even wash it.  He is a complete neat freak when it comes to his beloved cars.
 
I drive faster.. trying to not act disturbed as I dial L’s number for backup immediately.  Her Mom answers who instructs me to stay calm. I love L’s Mom.
 
I don’t want to do anything rash like the following which all passed through my warped mind:
 
Honk and wave like I am seeing a friend cruising to work next to me.. C’mon now the bastard not only broke my heart but then stabbed me in the back and twisted the knife reaching all of my most precious organs.
 
Text him. “I see you!!” Stalkerish much?  Yes and then it will be all over MySpace by 10 am because he will think he is just that fantabulous.
 
Stop quickly causing him to rear-end me.  I decided I did not look hot enough for a one on one encounter mediated by the police.
 
I instead departed at my designated exit and continued my commute without seeing the infamous silver Jag in my rearview mirror.
 
I feel okay.  I probably would have felt better not seeing him ever again but this was a stepping stone for me.  I saw him although not face to face and I didn’t do anything stupid.
 
Here is to the future because I am almost over the past!
 
I’m still hoping our encounter caused him to blare a depressing Nickleback song and weep over the fact he lost such a fantabulous girl like myself.

I never wanted to go in earlier than my friends because I felt I would miss something even if I really wasn’t up for staying out later and really did want to just zonk out on my Care Bear comforter.
 
I feel like this as an adult although I no longer have my Care Bear comforter.
 
My BFF’s and I are going to see the 6 pm screening of SATC at the AMC River East followed by appetizers and drinks and then Crobar.
 
I have a meeting with my attorney at 9:00 Saturday morning therefore Crobar should not be an option for me and I should retire my happy little ass at home after the appetizers and drinks.
 
The thing is .. I feel like I will be missing out on the excitement.
 
All of my friends will be decked out while I am wearing let’s say (I’m not sure if this is what I will be sporting) white capris and tank with perhaps a pair of espadrilles.
 
Their night will just be beginning when mine will be ending.
 
Have I told you my priorities are fucked up beyond belief because if you haven’t noticed they are.
 
Gosh.. Missing one night out on the town won’t kill me and I am in no situation to really go out and paint the town red when I have an early Saturday appointment.
 
I need to grow up.

My meeting with the President of the company who happens to be my boss went okay. 
 
He obviously had issues with me and felt I was going in the opposite direction rather than improving but I knew that because it’s a fact not just a false observation.
 
My personal life has put a huge damper on my work and I have to separate the two and focus which I have already begun doing.
 
Just think of it - - -  My next review in 6-months and I will look like a superstar!
 
I have my final review with my other boss on Monday who is very tough which I am pretty frightened about but as you twiiters and bloggers say I have to take the criticism and learn from it remembering not to take it too personally.
 
New beginnings.. 

Advil..Tylenol..VICODIN!?  How can E not own any pain medication?
 
I usually travel with my easy open Advil bottle designed for those who live with the pain of arthritis but I forgot it at home along with my Lexapro and Ativan leaving me with a nasty hangover and very little sleep. 
 
E and I had plans to go to StarFruit for some yummies but it didn’t happen.  Instead I packed up my bags and headed home around 11 am to get some sleep in my own little bed.
 
Sleep is what I did .. I slept for about 4 hours.  I tossed my missed meds down my hatch and had a wonderful deep sleep where I dreamed about Mr. Gorgeous. (sigh)
 
My cell then rang a total of 28349328 times and I finally answered L’s call.  L was already at our guyfriend’s barbeque where I was supposed to be in attendance.
 
Yikes.  I dry shampooed my hair, spritzed on some VS body splash, put on a full face of makeup, and threw on a black tube top, white capris, and this awesome huge bauble black necklace that I had been dying to where, and it just so happened to fit with my “I’m hung-over but still pretty outfit”
 
I don’t think I looked like I had a long night and was hung-over.. Alright, I’m lying I did and I probably looked worse but I tried to pull myself together.
 
Let me give you a little info about our friend, Ken.  He has been best friends with my brother for the past 10-years and he has been good friends with L, Jax, and I for about 8-years.  I actually set him up with his live in girlfriend who I at the time worked with who has broken his heart and cheated on him numerous times in their on and off again 4-year relationship.
 
Note:  Say “NO” if I ask to set you up with someone.
 
The barbeque was lame and to be honest the party arrived with L and I did per the usual!  To be honest and politically incorrect it was the usual Southside Irish barbeque complete with a game called, bags.  I played my first game of bags that night and I sucked and will probably never ever play again.
 
We went from Vodka Red Bulls to shots of tequila pretty quickly which led to us girls to  teasing our GBFF with silly inside jokes. 
 
Unfortunately, I didn’t last the whole night and left at around 10 pm.
 
I retired because I was exhausted.  My sleep was interrupted at 3 am when Jax called me asking if I wanted to go out slashing tires.
 
What? Huh? What?
 
I tell her to come over and run downstairs to find L with a black eye black  crying hysterically.
 
My heart drops.  L and I are close, close like sisters and for something like this to happen to someone as sweet and innocent as L it hurts me even kills me a bit inside seeing the pain she is crying is because our FRIEND Ken didn’t defend her when his gf’s trashy sister sucker punched L and told her to put some clothes on.  L did nothing but said some inside jokes to Ken which he laughed at… ALL INSIDE JOKES!
 
The police were called and L was not able to file charges because crazy ugly girl put marks on herself saying they were from L.  Total lie.  L is by far a fighter and the sweetest girl I know.  Anyways, the police were completely ridiculous not letting L press charges but in all reality they didnt want to waste the paperwork.

Jealousy is the root of all evil - case in point.
 
Jax and I decided to take things into our own hands and went out all dressed in black to mess up their car, unfortunately they had already left.  How high school of us huh?

We went back to the house to comfort L who was a complete emotional wreck for the main reason that Ken our best friend of many years did not defend her in the situation.

I think I went to sleep by 5 am.

Yawn..

Memorial Day was spent drinking Hurricanes and relaxing after the craziness of the weekend I figured I deserved it.
 

You can catch up on Part I of my Memorial Day weekend extravaganza here.
 
Have you picked yourself off of the ground yet from Part I?  If not, compose yourself and then continue reading.
 
E and I decided we needed to indulge in a yummy lemon drop shot after my asshole awakening.  E and I tend to bitch about men a lot and this has just proved our many theories of men being immature assholes.  We are guessing the average guy matures at the age of forty.
 
One.. Two.. Three.. CHEERS to not finding Yboy is a complete douche before letting him down my pants.
 
We then start talking to an extremely good looking group of guys.  I am really unsure how it started.  The dance floor was flooded with conversation awaiting VanBuren’s appearance and I believe E and I were dancing amongst these fellows.  I believe but don’t quote me. 
 
One thing led to another and I wound up dancing with one of the most gorgeous guys I have ever touched. He was tall, tan, had an awesome head of hair, good dresser, great smile, and intriguing dark eyes.

I initiated the dancing but of course he pretty much gave me the green light with his flirty conversation and smile.  He was shy but coy and the boy could dance!!  All that kept going through my mind was I was dancing with a gorgeous guy who could actually dance without looking like an ass.
 
Note:  I don’t dance with guys at clubs because they creep me out and I am there to have a good time with my girlfriends  Yes.. the guy was that good looking for me to break my rule but then again I usually fall for hairy beasts.  All kidding aside this guy was gorgeous.  (fanning myself)
 
We stepped away to the bar area where he bought me a drink and we had some light conversation.  He was an investment banker for insert financial firm here therefore we talked about the shitty economy and our jobs. 
 
The dancing continued and he excused himself to purchase another drink for himself and I.
 
“Don’t leave (wink).  I will be right back.  Goose & Tonic right?”

“Yes (gulp)(drool)”
 
The dancing halted and we step off to a table on the side of the dance floor when Van Buren comes on stage because honestly I was almost trampled 234238748 times and he shieled me all 234238748 times. (sigh..)
 
Where is E?  Oh I forgot about her.. never! Give a girl a break I just finally realized I was capable of landing a hot guy after having my heartbroken by ExAss.  Anywho!  E is all about the music and dancing with gorgeous guy’s friend therefor she is okay.

He returns with our drinks..

I am standing in front of him with my back towards him and he has his arms draped around his shoulders.. Hes about 6′2″ tall therefore towering over me even if I am in 4 inch stilletos.

He whispers into my ear “Can I kiss you?”

I reply with a coy smile looking at him over my shoulder and shrug my shoudlers.

He then turns me around and kisses me .. the most amazing out of this world kiss I have ever experiences and no I am not just saying that.  The kiss was “fucking fantastic!!!”

Chills went down my already cold exposed back and warmth went right down my stomach.

E met up with us and Mr. Gorgeous asked her if I was as amazing as he has seen thus far.  (I didnt find out this was what he asked her until the end of the night). 

We continue chatting and cozying up next to each other when he kisses me again.

I almost faint.

The night grew late and Mr. Gorgeous excused himself to go to the restroom.  E then approached me asking if I wanted to leave. 

DONT ASK ME HOW OR WHY but I told her yes and we left the club just like that.

I didnt say goodbye, I didnt exchange telephone numbers, and I didnt even leave a Jessica Sipson stilletto for Mr. Gorgeous to find his Princess (me of course!)

Sigh..

I can honestly say I woke up in the morning with butterflies just thinking about the occurences that night.  I hate myself for just leaving like that.  I didnt buy my Juicy Calling Cards for no reason at all!!!

I am massively in debt.  I mean MASSIVELY. I have tried to stress the word MASSIVELY as much as I can but I don’t think I can stress it unless I put it into a 27 point font.
 
The debt I am in is equal to my gross income for 3 years.
 
The numbers unveiled last night were earth shattering with 50% of the debt being caused by my impromptu 5-day hospitalization without insurance, my insurance was yet to kick in at my old job and because of a self-destructive episode I landed my lack of insurance self in the hospital.
 
The other 50% is due to the extraordinary debt I racked up due to self-destructive spending.  What do I have to show for it?  Prada and Kate Spade bags, BCBG and Charles David shoes, 2343287483 pairs of designer sunglasses, and lots of alcohol and living it up on the town.
 
Worth it?  HELL FUCKING NO.
 
Regardless both of these circumstances were due to my struggle with BPD and needless to say this is NO EXCUSE.  I am certainly aware of that but the situation makes my stomach flip a little more knowing how self-destructive I truly was and the repercussions I am dealing with years later.
 
The end result I can have these bills follow me for years and years and years or I can file the B word (…kruptcy).  I can’t even say the word without shame.
I have picked the latter of the two with much contemplation.  I cannot live life with such memories of the past.  I have worked hard to get where I am now and I cannot let the burdens of the past linger on over my head.  This may be considered the “easy way” out but it’s far from it in my eyes.  
 
Today is going to be rough, I have to explain the situation to the VP of Administration.  This is not easy especially seeing I am in the financial field.

Subsequent to this post I met with the VP of Administration who told me I need to tell others when I am under a large amount of stress because work is difficult alone but when you throw personal problems in the mix it causes more stress and then a nervous breakdown.  It went well but unfortunately she warned me my bosses have quite a few complaints they are going to voice at my upcoming reviews.  I have to stay strong.  My first review is with the President of the company (my boss) tomorrow at 10 am.

Missing one days worth of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication reeks havoc on my emotional wellbeing or lack of. 
 
Seeing a coworker’s breasts when they whip off their tube top in a fit of drunkenness on Saturday night is all fine and dandy but when the work week rolls around it’s a tad itchy.  Why can’t it be as simple as when you saw your friends naked during gym class then sat in Bio class with them?
 
Ferociously kissing a stranger in front of a coworker, no matter how close you are to the coworker, is also a tad bit uncomfortable when the work week rolls around.
 
I’m not going to lie the above point gave me butterflies in my lower belly when reliving the awesomeness and smooth moves this guy possessed.
 
FUCK ME.. literally.  Moving on..
 
I’m thinking about doing a scientific study of whether the caffeine in coffee hits you quicker when you drink hot versus iced. 
 
I’m beyond disappointed Jax and I were unable to terrorize the BITCH’S car on Sunday night (blog to come) but this could have been due to point one.  I was all decked out in black and ready to do some slashing of tires. Immature? You betcha but the bitch would have deserved it.
 
My alcohol consumption over Memorial Day weekend:
 
5 Vodka Tonics
2 Lemondrops
3 Vodka Red Bulls
5 Tequila shots
2 Hurricanes
 
Thank goodness I spaced the above out into three days!  Perhaps this had a lot to do with my emotional instability and lack of emotional wellbeing and it wasn’t just the fact that I missed a day of meds.
 
John Mayer has GAME.  Have you listened to “Body is a Wonderland” lately.  I was almost stripping in rush hour traffic.
 
I promised myself I wouldn’t drink until this coming Friday.  I love myself that much.
 
I’m back on MySpace where I have a few people who used to love my blogging (who wouldn’t) and are bitching about how I don’t blog anymore.  Little do they know that I do blog just in a different arena and don’t want them to know about it.  I feel a tad bit guilty and have found myself copy & pasting some of my not so personal blogs for their enjoyment.  I feel like I am just giving them cheap synopsizes which makes me feel like a cheap blogger.

I will be honest I was not as pumped as usual for it being a Saturday night. The aura was not in the air or at least not in the air oxygenating my blood.
 
For a couple of reasons with the biggest being I got all fancied up earlier in the day to smile for the DMV and they were closed.  I am the dumbass that didn’t check their hours for Memorial Day weekend, I’m a genius!
 
I danced to some “Material Girl” with soaking wet hair naked and my mood shot from a 5 to a 9.5. 
 
I met E at her cutesy studio located on LaSalle & Oak decked out in my favorite backless black silk French Connection top, black wide leg Express Editors, black Jessica Simpson stilettos, garnished with large silver chandelier earrings. 
 
You are correct I have the same top in a shade of purple. I heart French Connection and you should too!
 
The 2 SF Red Bulls I consumed en route made me feel slightly less “cutesy” and more “blowfishy”.
 
We had time for a vodka tonic and then headed over to Vision for the VanBuren event. 
 
Why must two of my vices, alcohol and Red Bull make me feel like a fat ass then again my ass is not that small to begin with.  Another reason I am not one of God’s favorite children.
 
NOTE:  E is one of those city gals who walks everywhere and I am one of those girls who never wears comfortable shoes and cabs it everywhere when in the city.  My feet were everything but happy with E after the hike she put them on.  I actually think they were telling her and her flats to FUCK OFF.
 
Yboy was supposed to be attending the event and I wasn’t feeling the vibe of spending the night with him therefore I didn’t pursue the issue of us meeting him there. 
 
NOTE:  The only discussion Yboy and I had in regards to this event was on the previous Tuesday via MySpace messages.
 
I was explaining the situation to E as I felt a tap on my shoulder.  Oh yes.. dear readers Yboy is the “tapper”.
 
Yboy:    “Hey.. I thought you weren’t sure if you were going to be here.”
 
K:         “I never said that, I said the majority of my friends were going to be at Crobar”             
 
Yboy:    “Cool.. It’s my lucky day.  I have a couple guy friends meeting me here and they have yet to arrive.  This will give me some quality time with your highness”
 
K:         “I don’t see any reason why you can’t”
 
Yboy buys E and I two rounds of drinks and two bottles of water.  I decide perhaps I am not giving him a chance and being too standoffish in fear of the R word “REJECTION”.
 
I loosen up and reciprocate his flirting which I am sure was due to the downing of two vodka tonics in record time.
 
E and I excuse ourselves to the restroom for some girl chat.  E tells me she thinks he seems like a really nice guy and I should give him a chance.  I oblige and think she might be right about him.

NOTE:  The bathroom attendant was selling flip-flops.  I thought it was the tackiest idea ever until my feet were screaming at 3 am but I still didn’t resort to the purchase of a pair of $5 bright pink flip-flops going for the inflated price of $20.

We return and talk a little more with him when he excuses himself and says he will meet up with us later.

E and I decide to head out to the main dance floor and dance it up a bit, okay a lot.
 
I decide to text Yboy because I hadn’t heard from him and I figured I should make myself a little more approachable.
 
I then get another tap but this time its Yboy with a girl entwined around his other arm.
 
Whoa now..
 
Yboy:    “K I would like you to meet Julie.. we have been dating off and on for the last couple of months”
 
Are you kidding me?
 
K:         “It’s nice to meet you Julie!”
 
No really, you must be kidding me right?!
 
Julie:     “Would you like to share the table we have?  I’m sure your feet are killing in those shoes!”
 
My face turns bright red and I try to not do the inevitable which is to laugh my ass off.
 
K:         “It’s okay we are fine but you two kids have a wonderful night” 
 
Nerve?  I could get into a description of the girl but honestly she has done nothing wrong and doesn’t realize that the guy she is seeing is nothing more than a “douche” who just an hour ago spent $50 on drinks for my friend and I.
 
Also, please do not get me wrong Yboy and I were never dating let alone exclusive but I think it is morally wrong to give a gal the wrong impression by flirting incessantly with her and buying her drinks not only on one occasion but on two occasions.
 
Poor Julie.
 
It gets better though.  Approximately 30-min after my encounter with the happy couple I receive a text from Yboy:
 
“I really am glad I was able to see you tonight.  I have missed your beautiful smile.”
 
Lift up your jaws people these are the actions of a 34-year old man!
 
P.S.  I don’t plan on burning my bridges with Yboy.  Why would I do that?  He loves buying me drinks and I have no reason to feel guilty about accepting them because he my friends is a capital “J” Jackass!

 Today is been quite stressful .. post to come but as promised I wanted to start a blog series dedicted to mental illness.  Here is a poem I wrote not long ago. 

My world is a merry-go-round

that’s colors are bright

for thoses that look at it

they think what a beautiful sight

They think how lucky

I am to get to ride

as it goes around and around

they can’t see what I hide

They look for a moment

and then they are gone

to live their lives as

if nothing was wrong

They can’t see the

chips or dents

nor can they see

the one that are bent

They don’t stay to see

how much faster it goes

with each turn it takes

I’m the only one who knows

The day and nights

are like the horses we ride

there’s ups and downs

with no one to guide

For those that came

for a moment or two

they think its great

If only they knew

However unlike me

they get to choose

to leave or to stay

with nothing to lose

For those who ride

are often mad

how can a thing of beauty

be so bad

On this merry-go-round

a one of a kind

to find a way off

is hard to find

So if you choose to take a ride

please be patient with all your might

the ride is often lond and hard

you’ll need both hands to hold on tight

Next time you stop to

look at this merry-go-round

this thing of beauty

but remember to it I’m bound

I can’t get off

nor make it stop

be glad your not on

this spinning top

Next time look beyond

the color and the lights

for what is real

is usually out of ones sight