To the lady trying to slather my skin in lotion in the middle of the mall and asking me if I like my nails – I’m not interested
 
To the lady at Ann Taylor Loft with a five minute speech about the new fall colors – I’m not interested
 
To the Starbucks lady trying to sucker me into a “low fat” blueberry muffin or perhaps a new smoothie – I’m not interested
 
To my coworker trying to finagle a couple of dollars out of my purse for her child’s fundraiser – I’m not interested
 
To the oil change attendant trying to sell me everything but a 5th tire – I’m not interested and I might just slice your neck
 
To all the men in the world – I’m not interested but please try back at a later time
 
To the childish drama going on in my life – I’m not interested
 
To the coworker talking nonstop about her child in baby voices - I am not interested
 
To all I am not interested in… please go away and come back another day or better yet don’t

N is a complete asshole and we are done.  I have deleted him out of my berry which means he has officially been deleted out of my life.  Adios Mr. N!  He crossed the line which he often does and this particular circumstance was the last straw.  I am not going into detail because reliving the horribleness will just make things more painful.  He apologized for acting like a complete asshole over the tax snafu but the shit he said to me via text today erased what I thought was a genuine apology.
 
Moving on…
 
L and I are still not on speaking terms.  This relationship is not completely over but I am unsure of how to rekindle the friendship.  I have major issues with a lot of the drama that is unfolding with us. 
 
I am a very all or nothing person, I feel betrayed and unwanted, and the list continues.  These are my issues.  Yes. I understand that.
 
Are our ideas of “best friends” different?  I would literally beat someone with a tire iron if they hurt L.  I would ask no questions.  If she was no longer friends with this person then they would definitely not be a friend of mine.
 
I am unsure if a cup of coffee when I am calm would fix anything because the end result is I want her to admit she is wrong for being buddy buddy with my ExBFF and to discontinue being buddy buddy with her because it really hurts me.
 
Why did I agree to skip this week’s appointment with my therapist?  Perhaps she is also trying to get rid of me?!  Oh.. the stress!
 
P.S. Any honest to goodness advice regarding the drizama I am going through with L would be appreciated.  Maybe its raw honesty that I need.  If you think I am wrong let me know.  I know it’s for my own good.
 
P.P.S.  I promise more lighthearted blog posts in the near future possibly pertaining to puppies in particular my puppy.
 
Raw comments welcome!
 

One of the reasons I created this blog was in hope to reach out to at least one person struggling with a mental illness not seeking treatment due to the heavy stigma mental illness has in our society.
 
I try to reach out and educate via my blog.  I hope to show a true and real account of someone who struggles with the illness.  Some might consider me the average Chicago twenty-something but I do have issues which I chose to face and hopefully will one day conquer.
 
I also try and release some of the tight air that surrounds our society in regards to psychological illness in my “real” life.
 
I am very open about my weekly therapy. I am more than willing to admit to attending therapy and answer any questions that a friend or acquaintance may have in regards to therapy and psychological illnesses. 
 
I am not as open in regards to my diagnosis as I am with it in the blog world.  I do not walk around with a sign displaying “under treatment BPD” and only select family and friends know of this diagnosis.
 
Through my open conversation with friends and acquaintances in “real life” I have actually seen positivity come from my honesty to discuss therapy and the issues I face psychologically. 
 
I have had a close friend of mine enter therapy and leave an abusive relationship.  She has in return taught me some useful resources which I will mention later in this blog.
 
I have had a close friend enter therapy for depression.  She has began taking antidepressants and going to therapy twice a month which has made a world of difference in her life.  She jokes with me that she now sees “sunshine”.
 
It feels good.  I don’t influence or suggest therapy or a visit to the psych but I believe my candidness to disclose my personal experiences makes others think and possibly made a minute dent in the stigma mental illness carries.
 
I plan on attending an Emotions Anonymous meeting on Friday.  The meeting was brought up my friend who I actually mentioned the idea of therapy to.  She recently has been attending Codependency Anonymous meetings which have really helped her to the extent of leaving the abusive relationship she was in.  I did some research on more ANON programs and there are quite a few with meetings around the US.  Here are some of the websites if you are interested:
 
I will be sure to check back in and let you know how my EA meeting went.

CODA - Co-Dependends Anon

Depressed ANON

Emotions ANON

LAA Love Addicts ANON

Phobic ANON

My weekend in Michigan was boring and aggravating.
 
I have learned I need to be a better judge of compatibility when choosing a travel buddy even if it is only for a weekend road trip.
 
On a positive note I did pick up a cute Cubs jersey for Bacci and a new swimsuit for myself.
 
I am now going to tie my hands behind my back to stop myself from bitching about my weekend of high expectations that went sour.

As a child the summer months are months of release.  Children flood neighborhood parks with a certain summery glisten in their eyes.  A child’s worries diminish in the summer.  There are no longer worries of waking up to get to school on time, tardy notes, and pop quizzes.  The days are longer and full of everything sweet from the freeze pops parents hand out to the extra ten minutes they get to swing on the monkey bars.  Children hop up and down trying to catch the glowing bugs after dark as their parents yell their names from their house stoops.  The children retire to their beds tucked up to their chins eagerly waiting their next summer day……
 
Summer begins at yearbook signing.  The shuffle of yearbooks waiting to be signed throughout the high school halls is exhilarating and hard to ignore.  The whispers of summer plans and parties fill the echoing empty halls bustling with teenagers anxious to leave the school doors until fall.  The summer months are months of socialization. New friends are found perhaps even a new summer love romance.  Busy scheduled full of pool parties, baseball games, and outdoor cookouts fill the calendar.  The summer passes quickly leaving memories which will last a lifetime.
 
How much can one fit into the sweet summer months?  A question most adults ask.  The hustle and bustle from graduation parties to bridal showers to baby showers to weddings. 

You quickly forget to relax and breathe.  One must relearn the meaning of summer by reminiscing of their childhood summers past to truely enjoy the summer present.

I am not here right now.  I’m driving to Michigan with El (work BFF).  Yes, she is putting her life in my hands for a 2hr car ride. You know how those Europeans are .. CRAZY!
 
I will still tweet until my heart is content and probably scan my reader via the blackberry.  I will read and star.  I will then comment on my “stars” when I arrive home on Sunday.  It’s a satisfying ritual – I promise you that.
 
Its true .. your blogs are my favorite beach reads!
 
I was hoping to get into some drunken debauchery for blog content but I think I need to sit this weekend out.  K is sitting on the bench this inning because she can’t stand to lose yet another friend after Wednesday’s happenings.
 
Unfortunately, there will be no drunken stories of K getting wild at the Beach Boat House, hitchhiking a boat ride from men old enough to be her father, taking the girls to the Children’s Museum drunk as hell, or getting denied liquor at 12pm Sunday because she is still “drunk” from the night before.
 
Sigh.. how will I get through a weekend without the above?
 
You will have to wait and see.  That doesn’t sound too intriguing does it?

My struggle to maintain “normal” interpersonal relationships continues…
 
This happens to be one of the goals I am working on in therapy.  I failed yesterday. Put a dunce cap on me and sit me in the corner.
 
The wicked pendulum continues to swing violently and unaware of just how quick it can begin to swing until it’s so out of control that it can’t stop on its own.
 
N and I got into quite the argument last night.  The majority of the argument was one sided with him doing the screaming.
 
I did him the favor, can I stress FAVOR, of doing his tax returns in April when I was busy as hell at work.  He received a notice that he owes $250.00 and has accrued interest in the amount of $50. 
 
I must have miscalculated because my calculations had him owing nada, zilch, zero.  In any event, I miscalculated causing him the accrued interest.  This was an accident.  I did not try and FUCK him over as he tried to say in so many words.
 
I finally hung up with him and cried feeling like a total fuck up because hey that’s when I am happiest right?
 
I called L for support where the conversation turned into an all out phone/text fight that had nothing to do with N.
 
I invited L to come with El and I to Michigan for the weekend.  She turned down my offer because she had plans on Friday. 
 
I asked her what her plans were and they included my ExBff from HELL who I no longer associate with because of .. well you can read about it all here if you would like.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was her completely leaving me alone knowing the situation I was in for a week while my other BFF L was in Florida.  Not cool.
 
Anyways to make a long story short I got pissed off beyond belief because I know they still talk but hanging out with ExBff knowing how much this ExBff hurt me is just uncalled for.  I believe coffee here and there is okay but a night on the town is pretty shitty in my book especially seeing they were only really friends through me. They never hung out with just each other unless I was involved.  That type of situation (does that make sense)?  L wound up telling me, these were her exact words, “I don’t think Exbff did anything wrong to you and you just blew it out of proportion like a child”.  I in turn told her quite a lot of mean things via text message.
 
I’m hurt and refuse to make amends with her if she is going to continue putting Exbff on a pedestal and now that I know how she truly feels well I can’t accept it.  It just makes me hurt more.
 
Here I am at work and my tear count for today is up to two cry fests and its only 10:54 in the morning.
 
N called me on his way to work apologizing for the way he acted.  I forgave him and told him I would look over the tax notice.  I made the mistake.  I emailed him advising him to make the payment and telling him I would cover the interest if need be.
 
He hasn’t responded back and no matter what the response I still feel like a failure because I made a mistake and I do not allow myself mistakes.
 
Another whole post about how I cannot control my emotions..

There are few people who know of my passion to write, fewer people who know I blog, and very few 3 people* who know of this very little site you are presently perusing (and hopefully enjoying!)
 
I let someone in on my secret blog address last night. 
 
Who you ask?  My therapist.
 
Whoa!  How did that happen you ask?
 
My writing was brought up in therapy a session or two ago.  I think I blogged about it.  Indeed I did.  I try to avoid the fact that writing is a major part of my life and something I genuinely enjoy doing.
 
Weird.
 
We were discussing my hate of “small talk” which then ventured to my hate for conversation with my hair stylist and other people who I do not feel have an importance in my life or are not privy of my business.  I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my life details with those who are not extremely close to me but…
 
I share my innermost thoughts and feelings in cyberspace?
 
We dissected the subject at hand and made a conclusion that it was a lot harder to be rejected or thought to be as uninterested in the “real world” than it is on an anonymous blog of millions on the web.
 
She asked for the web address and I gave it to her.  I think I even spelled it out. Do I want her to read?  I’m not sure.
 
You would think I would feel safe and for the greater part I do.  I don’t know if she will ever read and if she does well she knows the majority of my innermost thoughts and experiences due to my nonstop venting to her on a weekly basis.
 
It is the “What will she think of me?” question that always floods my brain.
 
I blog ANON for a variety of reasons:
 
1.     One of my biggest fears is rejection or not being “good” enough.  I think the black screen that hides my identity also in term hides me from this fear allowing me to speak openly.
 
2.     I have blogged publicly with friends and family readers but this caused chaos.  Everyone and anyone thought the person I was blogging about had to be them.  My words turned into much more than words but double ended swords causing drama in all directions.
 
3.     People who are no longer privy to the “goings ons” of my life were able to read all about them like an open newspaper.  I was giving an exboyfriend, exfriend, or enemy a spectacular look into my life.  Why?  They do not deserve my humor, satire, and occasional bouts of debauchery. 
 
Therefore, I am an anonymous blog and hoping to remain anon for as long as humanly possible. 
 
No need to warn me, I know anonymity is short but until I am demasked I will blog without worry of the “what if”.

Bacci turned 3 months yesterday!  He celebrated by snagging his nail in a knit rug.  He yelped and scared me half to death.  I thought his leg was broken the way he was limping and whimpering. I was on the brink of a panic attack and was very close to taking him to the ER Vet.
 
Congrats to Bacci for scaring his overprotective Mommy to death on his 3-month birthday.
 
In his 3 months of life…
 
He has had 1 routine vet visit.  Where I found out my 4lb 6oz fur baby is flea and worm free.  I also found out one of his balls dropped.  I recently learned exactly what “balls dropping” was.  Yup.. Its true and I am not ashamed.
 
He has attended 2 puppy kindergarten classes.
 
He has endured 3 baths leaving him baby powder puppy clean.
 
In other things Bacci related…
 
He is starting to bark once in a while.  It’s a manly “ruff – ruff”. As manly as a 5 lb doggie can get.  Anyways.. I don’t like it and to be quite honest I sometimes wish there was something to disintegrate his vocal cords.  I won’t do any research just yet considering I have heard him “ruff” about 4-5 times since I have had him.  I am “kinda” kidding in regards to the research. 
 
NO HATE MAIL PLEASE!! 
 
I do not need any crazy animal activists emailing me.  I already endured the crazy anti-abortionists on my way home from work Friday.  They did not appreciate my foul language as I did not appreciate their graphic posters.  I was very close to hightailing it to the nearest Jewel for eggs.
 
Bacci is capable of going for walks.  As most who follow me on Twitter know I was sure that I had a puppy who didn’t enjoy going for walks, a non-walking puppy.  Bacci and I went for a 2 mile walk yesterday.  Granted when we hit the 1.5 mile mark he decided he needed to layout and catch some rays.  I toted him under my arm for the remainder of the walk.  The important thing is he walked.   I didn’t have to put my plan of strapping him to a skateboard in action.
 
Side Note:  Those reusable foldable dog water bowls are the best!
 
Have I mentioned I hate small talk?  Well.. Bacci attracts those who love small talk.  It drives me even more loony than I already have been diagnosed.  Don’t get me wrong I love hearing what a cute puppy I have but we don’t have to turn it into a three minute conversation about your gerbils at home.  Also, do not offer my dog a drink from your water bottle.  I don’t know where your mouth has been and its definitely not going near any mouth that might wind up licking me.  Oh yes, big dog owners please do not refer to Bacci as a “snack” for your overgrown monster.  How rude!
 
In conclusion, I never in a bajillion years thought I would fall in love with a furry guy like him but I have and he makes me smile ear to ear.
 
Perhaps one blog in the future will have the above paragraph pertaining to a man rather than a 4 legged friend named Bacci.
 

Have you seen EP is a new proud puppeh mommy to Lucy.  TOO CUTE!!

I won a Pay it Forward over at Ashley’s place.
 
I had a Pay it Forward a couple of months back but I am hoping my readership has multiplied some and I get a few more entries.
 
I will be picking one winner and promise you some fantabulous goodies.
 
Ask me a question in the comment section below to enter.  Tricky huh.. I am fishing for blog post topics as lately “blog block” is in high gear.
 
C’mon lurkers don’t be shy.
 
I will pick the winner in some random kind of way on Monday, July 28th.  Therefore, you have until Monday, July 28th at 7pm CT to enter.
 
Ready .. Set .. Ask!