is gone until Monday.  After much consideration I decided to pack up Bacci (which was quite a task) and hit the road.

See ya on the flip!

One of the advantages of my rental car is the fact it is equipped with XM fulfilling my need to feed my brain with news, news, and more news while stuck in traffic.
 
BTW the Starbucks XM station sucks tits like a nursing baby! Just thought you should know.
 
Speaking of traffic was anyone stuck in the gridlock on the tri-state yesterday?  I detoured and it still took me almost 2-hours to get home, everyone and their dog had the same idea as me.
 
Oh Ya… back on track.
 
I don’t talk much of politics here on this blog because I don’t feel I am as educated as most when it comes to politics and would rather listen than debate.
 
Whowouldathunkit?
 
There is nothing worse than listening to someone yap and yap about politics and the situation of the US when they are everything but educated in the arena and even worse refuse to vote because their vote doesn’t count (yadda yadda).
 
Things that piss me off in addition to the above paragraph…
 
I had a friend (key word is had) who believes McCain deserves her vote on the basis of gun control.  Please note she does not own a gun and has never owned a gun but has had 2 abortions.

Do note debate with me that McCain is “your man” because you have had 2 abortions and if McCain had his way you would be toting a Boppi (is that what that donut thingy is called?) and have a couple of toddlers in diapers cruising around your living room.
 
Those who still label the Republican party as ” the rich”.  What the fuck is rich?  A person making $1 million dollars per year with $999,999 in debt is that rich?  The majority of the Republican party is working class.  Why is our nation so dependent upon labels?  You either fit here or there bullshit. Its obnoxious and needs to stop but I am not holding my breath.
 
If I have to hear “I’m not voting for McCain because he is a Republican and all Republicans are filthy rich”.  I just might lose the marbles I have salvaged this year.
 
The Capital Gain tax increase proposed by Obama in an attempt to tax the “rich”.  Did you happen to know that Obama’s capital gain tax increase would affect more than just the rich but rather the investor class?  Yes…  There is a high probability this will affect you! Do you have a 401(k), retirement savings plan, or a couple of stocks in Google or Apple?  That would affect you also not just the rich.
 
Obama choosing Biden.  THE END.  I was up until the early hours of last Saturday trying my damnest to understand why Obama chose Biden and not Hillary. I came up with nothing but selfishness. I am glad the Clinton’s didn’t steal the spotlight at the convention.  I don’t think Obama could have handled it.
 
What are your political beefs?
 
Edited:  I wrote this before the announcement Friday.  I am still in shock disgust.

How soon is too soon to have sex with someone?
 
That’s the topic ladies and gents.  I don’t think I have an answer.  My past indicates I usually wait on average 2 months of a rock solid relationship before sealing the deal.
 
Then again I have never really dated like an adult.  Does that make sense?  I usually meet someone and we become serious.  The End.
 
I ask because a friend of mine put out on the 2nd date to a man twice her age.  I do not judge. I do not judge. I do not judge.
 
I just think that’s a tad bit soon especially if you are hoping to turn dating into a relationship.  If you are just looking to get some then that’s a different story.  Be safe and I wish you numerous orgasms and knees free of rug burn.
 

I warn you this Therapy Tuesday post is a little “all about me”.

Its also Thursday.  Lets call this post Therapy Thursday.

I sometimes associate pills with being the answer to my problems.
 
We all know this is far from the case.
 
Pills were my “saving grace” on Sunday.  Well, at the time I thought they were.  I was an emotional wreck from the crash and the turmoil going on with L.
 
I haven’t in quite some time self-medicated but that changed on Sunday afternoon.
 
I self-medicated… heavily.
 
A handful of Ativan and a handful of Vicodin.  All of the signs of BPD, anxiety, and depression drifted away.  I was free to breathe without panic and think without fear.
 
I was numb through Sunday and nursing a wicked pill hangover on Monday.
 
I am surprised I was able to make it to work Monday morning.  I made it to work but that was the extent of my day.  Monday was a waste.  I didn’t make it to the allergist and wound up hugging my pillow until bedtime.
 
Self-deprecation kept me breathing the majority of last night.  An unhealthy coping mechanism that I cannot seem to let go of.

In the past, I have had major issues with numbing through prescription drugs and alcohol.  I can honestly say it has been almost 10-months since my last heavy use of prescription drugs to “numb”.
 
I know I am strong enough to get through life’s challenges without numbing my feelings.
 
I know I am capable of using the many techniques I have learned to cope.
 
It sometimes just seems easier to reach for a handful of pills and a glass of water.
 
I decided this morning that this was simply a small setback to my recovery.  Recovery consists of setbacks and the way you deal with setbacks truly shows how you are recovering.  Sure, I self-medicated.  Sure, I beat myself black and blue because of it. 
 
The important thing is I realize this was a small set-back to my recovery.  As I keep working at recovery, things will change with the set-backs becoming less frequent and hopefully one day disappearing completely.
 
The moral of the post…  Set-backs are common in all types of challenges (weight loss, drug addiction, alcoholism, etc) but the way we deal with them is what matters.
 
We must fall but quickly get up again nursing a skinned knee rather than infecting it with self-ridicule.

If you follow me on twitter then you know I was involved in a car accident on Saturday. 
 
No… I was not reading blog posts while driving.
 
Have I mentioned I am not that great of a driver?  Have I mentioned I have had my fair share of traffic violations?
 
I was all gussied up to meet Em for dinner and a night on the town when I attempted to avoid a rear-end collision.  I didn’t rear-end the car, I instead sideswiped the car and rear-ended the car in front of the car I sideswiped.
 
SMOOTH like vanilla ice cream, you don’t have to tell me!
 
I do things well…
 
It was a good thing I looked like a high-priced hooker in my skinny jeans, tube top, and 4 inch stilettos. 
 
The catty bitches I hit loved it.
 
I apologized and received a snide remark of “I bet you are” by both parties.  They powwowed together leaving me to sit in my damaged SUV waiting for the police to arrive.
 
I then overhear them talking about how drivers like me give teenage drivers a bad rap.  Oh really.. I am TWENTY FUCKING SIX years old.
 
While waiting; I reapplied my lip gloss, had a panic attack, and called my Mom like the big baby I am.
 
The police arrived.  I had nothing to say, I let the catty bitches who treated me as if I murdered their first born children do all the talking.  They spoke Ebonics and some type of broken English.
 
Whatevs…
 
My Mom arrived quickly and reassured me that these things happened and the women involved were bitter bitches.
 
She then told me I was grounded and needed to learn how to drive.
 
Thanks Mom!  She also asked one of the catty bitches if she worked at Long John Silver because she was sporting a LJS uniform.  She replied, “Yup.. I was coming home from a long days work”  My Mom replied back “I can’t imagine a long days work battering fish.”
 
I love you Mommy.
 
One of the bitches I hit had her whole posse meet her at the scene of the accident like she was carjacked.  Obnoxious much? 
 
The situation got better when a member of her posse hit on me.
 
Who does that?!
 
In the end, I received 2 tickets and sat home on Saturday night feeling sorry for myself.
 
I eventually fell asleep after taking a few hundred Ativan and watching a hundred episodes of Animal Police.
 
My car is not drivable.  I am renting a car at a ridiculous rate because I didn’t sign up for car rental insurance.  I am hoping my car will either be fixed or considered totaled ASAP!
 
These things happen but why does it seem like the majority happen to me?!?

A friend of mine was tested about 6 months ago.
 
What was she tested for?
 
STDs
 
She doesn’t sleep around and practices safer sex than the majority of Chicago but everyone should be tested.
 
Perhaps I should take my own advice.  Just because I am a born again virgin and haven’t had sex since January means nothing.
 
I have had more than 1 partner and less than 4 partners.
 
The doctor told her she had tested positive for the herp. 
 
Devastation?  YES.  The friend was asking me for therapy referrals and was on the phone crying with me on the daily. 
 
She was honest with the guy she had a casual relationship with and told him to go get checked out.  She felt he must have given them to her.
 
He ended things with her.
 
He was an asshole anyways.
 
She has been on Valtrex to prevent outbreaks for the past 6 months.
 
She wasn’t happy like those people you see on the commercials.
 
She decided to switch doctors because her doctor was very harsh with the way he spoke to her and treated her like she was a victim of the plague.  In all honesty, herpes is pretty similar but I didn’t think it was fair nor professional.  I know how it is to fall victim to stigma.
 
She made an appointment with a new doctor.
 
She found out after being tested 3 times for STDs including herpes that she is STD including herpes free.
 
Isn’t that a bitch!

After a 2-hr conversation with L and my Mom playing mediator our “fight” has ended.  The martini sipping, latte induced shopping trips, vodka slamming, and table dancing can commence.

This is an extremely old pic … I had blonde hair.  Geeshes.. but it was an unforgetable weekend with my bestest.

One of the many trips we have taken together.  This pic was taken on the beach in Acapulco.  Im sure it was before noon and we were hammered.  Thats how we roll.

Thanks to everyones warm advice on the situation.  I will do a weekend recap asap but it involves an accident that I would rather not think about at the moment.

The simple things..
 
I was on my 4th week of living caffeine free when I took a sip of his latte the first night at the resort.  He chastised me and then flicked my nose in a childish teasing way.
 
He loved my gifts with the framed Philadelphia Eagles art print one of his favorites.  I wonder if he still has the print hanging on his bedroom wall.  Is it crooked?  Has it been replaced? 
 
My silliness caused by too many morning mimosas.  His eyes glimmered loving every silly piece of me.
 
My need to parade around naked every moment I could causing him to make up the song “Naked Lady” which was the one of a million of our inside jokes.
 
We shared a scoop of ice cream, one scoop with one spoon at a table for two.   
 
We spent the last night cooped up in our hotel room ordering room service and watching the season finale of Entourage.  We weren’t happy with the ending but thrilled to be watching with our fingers entwined in a state of contentment.
 
I must admit it is taking me all of my strength to not text message him a simple “naked lady”.  I miss him dearly but most importantly I miss the memories and I miss who I thought he was.
 
Needless to say I won’t be contacting him to wish him a happy birthday.  We didn’t end amicably and it would hurt like a bitch.
 
I will silently wish him a happy birthday as I texted him “Happy Birthday” at exactly 12am last year.
 
Yes.. I am crying.
 
Please do not criticize my poor grammar and punctuation usage.  I couldn’t re-read the post to edit without my eyes tearing up.

Random stuff I miss..
 
Ricky Martin – I miss the days when you could turn on the radio and hear a little “Livin’ La Vida Loca”.  I totally need to buy the CD to jam out to when I am feeling a little Ricky deprived.  To those who thought that was impossible, I prove its possible there are those sick enough to feel deprived of Mr. Martin and his Spanish charm. 

Have you heard he is a father?
 
Razzles – I miss the days you could find them everywhere.  Those chewy gum filled pieces of goodness can now only be found at select places in Chicago.  Bring back the Razzles!
 
Underage drinking – I have been hitting the town since the young age of nineteen due to a good “fake”.  There was nothing more satisfying than drinking a Vodka Red Bull knowing you were underage.  It was a thrill.  I guess you could say doing things I wasn’t supposed to has always been a thrill of mine.
 
The Babysitters Club & Sweet Valley High – How great were those book series?  Honestly.. I felt like I was at the club meetings and hanging out with Jessica pool side.  I was such a nerd, I never went anywhere without a book or two under my arm.  I went to Borders the other day to try and pick up a BSC book for my 8 year old sister with no avail.  How horrible is that?  CRIMINAL!
 
What do you miss?

I arrived home to L sitting on the couch gabbing with my Mom.
 
There is nothing out of the norm about this above.  They were actually discussing my younger sisters well being.  L has been a part of our family for 9 years.  L is family. She wholeheartedly cares about my family’s wellbeing.  I know this and I can’t deny it.
 
I flipped.
 
My feelings towards her have been everything but great since she did not return my telephone call or text messages.  I was trying to make “peace” the best I could without throwing dishes and kicking and screaming.
 
If I look to her as family then she should treat me as a sister rather than just a friend?  Am I wrong? Do sisters ignore each other and not value their loyalty to the upmost?
 
Yesterday evening I kicked and screamed.  I resorted to my communication skills which when in a fit of rage are limited to temper tantrums.
 
I ask myself why?  Why did I throw everything out the window once again?  I have come too far to belittle myself and act like an immature juvenile who doesn’t know how to communicate or act civilized.
 
I thank you BPD.  I thank you for my inability to regulate my emotions.  I thank you for my sudden need to kick people out of my life left and right.  I thank you for my ability to only see two colors, black and white.
 
She walked out the door with my brother and called me a bitch.
 
Oh yes… a bitch.
 
Was I acting like one?  YUP.
 
I then got up into her face and my brother separated us.
 
What was I going to do?
 
Surely… nothing.
 
I was then confronted by my Mom who tried to explain to me that once again I was shutting people out of my life.  I don’t agree. I never agree when in an episode. 
 
I cannot go on like this.  I cannot continue my never-ending need to self-sabotage.  I cannot live with regrets.  I cannot live without knowing how to regulate my emotions.