prescribed pills can kill.

I believe its one of the many lessons in life that is finally sinking in.

Unfortunately, for many this realization is too little too late and lifes are ended unexpectedly. 

Prescription drugs have always been part of my life whether to treat my depression, anxiety, or allergies.  I have been popping something for as long as I can remember.

I would pop without thought.  The pill bottle displayed my name.  There was no harm being done.  I didn’t abuse the antidepressant and allergy medication that I was on at the moment.

What I did begin abusing in my late teenage years was ephedra.  I found it quite amazing that I didnt even need a prescription.  THIS HAD TO BE SAFE.  That was until I took so many after taking nyquil after a bad bad breakup.  It ended in a blackout and me passing out head first on a bowling alley.

Ephedra became illegal.

My early twenties were rough.  I was always on the go and the girl who would party Thursday and Saturday not stopping.  It wore on me. I was at a height of self-sabotage. I felt like I needed to meet everyones expectations of me.  I was tempted with cocaine and on occasion I used it.  I used it to conform.  I used it to please.

Luckily for me it did not become an addiction…

I then realized taking 180mg of Prozac daily would send me into a slightly manic fit.  Energy galore.  I eventually stopped after reading up on the internet.

I had a bout with Vicodin ES after my wisdom teeth were pulled when I was 23.  I was prescribed 30 Vicodin ES with one refill.  I finished that bottle and called the dentist for more.  I quickly became fond of taking 2 Vicodin with 2 shots of Vodka.  This went on for about 3 months with the end resulting in passing out behind the wheel and creating $2,000 of damage to my car.  Thankfully… no one was hurt and I was the only person involved.  I must note that the Vicodin I had consumed was legal and prescribed by the same dentist.

I had to stop.  It was hard.  I did. I remember the shakes and nausea I experienced.  I couldnt imagine the detox of someone who was on it for much longer than I.  My depression engulfed me and my anxiety worsened.  Obviously… as I no longer had a crutch.

I had my 1st panic attack when I was 23.  The abusive relationship I was in triggered them all.  I was suffering from on average 1 a day.  It was crippling.  I began seeing a new psychiatrist who prescrived Ativan 1mg 3-4 times a day as needed.  Yes… on a monthly basis I held a bottle of 120 - 1mg pills of Ativan in my hand.  Enough to kill 3 people…

I rarely took the little white pills correctly.  I had many occasions where I would simply blackout from taking too many.

The scary thing is I saw nothing wrong with this then… I was numb.  I was safe.  I thought.

A summer day in 2003 put me over the edge.  I felt backed into a corner.  The only thing I had in my control was the many bottles of pills I had.  I knew what would open their eyes.  This was my thinking then…  After a concoction of Prozac, Ativan, Tyelenol 3, and Tylenol PMs I was in the ER drinking charcoal and having a lengthy visit to the 5th floor (crazy floor) to prove that I wasnt trying to kill myself but trying to make my Mom listen being manipulative.

It could have been an accidental suicide.  I lived.

For different reasons, I began seeing a new psychiatrist who weaned me off of the Ativan.  It was rough.  I never and still do feel unsafe without having a few on hand.  Losing my Ativan subscription was like losing a good friend.  I was left devastated and without the strength to live.

Thank goodness for therapy…

This past winter was rough for me between losing my job, best friend, and being stolen from.  I was a wreck.  Depression at its worst.  What pulled me out?  Tramadol.  I was popping 5-7 Tramadol a day for about 2 weeks.  I wouldnt sleep because I couldnt.  I felt the only way I could go on living was with the assistance of the Tramadol.

Then something clicked… I knew I was strong enough to let go of my need to abuse prescription drugs to live.  I knew there were consequences with the worst being death.  I did not want to die.

I still struggle today.  On occasion I will pop an Ativan but I will NOT abuse them.  If I am in pain I will pop a few Tramadol but I will NOT abuse them and I will notify SOMEONE of what I had taken, in case something happens.

It’s rough and unfortunately each new death of a celebrity ODing on RX meds is opening my eyes wider and wider.

oh hey… its me K.

I have been keeping my unemployed ass pretty busy becoming quite the domestic diva.  Alright… attempting to be quite the domestic diva.

The last couple of weeks have been interesting.  I may or may not have…

drank so much I pissed the bed with ARMANI in it

almost burned the house down while cooking Fillet Mignon in a frying pan

flopped cooking corned beef in a fucking crockpot

a puppy who finally has learned PAW!

googled how to make grilled cheese

took 4 pregnancy tests (no, im not pregnant PHEW!)

bought Boom Ball off of Amazon.com and lost the balls it came with in less than 2 days

played Guitar Hero for my FIRST time ever and sucked

a boyfriend who really really wants a goped

went gokarting in a skirt

totally been slacking with going to the place that keeps me from turning into an oompah loompah

tanned in WEEKS because of this

spent many many hours working hard on my farm… on facebook

bought adorable dixie cups

So as you can see I may or may not have been pretty busy lately.  You be the judge!

Alright ya have the Club Soda, Bacardi, Diet Coke, No Carb Rockstar, and prepackaged pineapple and apple slices!

Ha.  All jokes aside.  I have become pretty damn domestic since being abandoned left to fend for myself.  As I have mentioned in previous posts I have began to become one with the kitchen.  My most recent delicacy was this mac & cheese recipe I found on All Recipes which has become a site I peruse daily.

Domestic Diva much?

Alright I wont push it.  I have the cleaning bit down but could use some assistance in the gardening and cooking areas.

Le Sigh… More of how I have been finding my inner domestic diva to come in future posts.  Lets just say I did Armani’s laundry.  Shhhh…

I dont know where to begin.  I feel triumphant but also vulnerable.

Armani and I got into our first argument last night which stemmed from my past inability to cut ties with men of the past.  In past relationships I have always felt the need to have ties with an ex because I felt I was putting too much on the table if I didn’t.  

For the first time in my life I do not feel that way.  I have faith in us.  I feel no need for validation from other men of my beauty, humor, or intelligence.  I give myself the validation and Armani confirms it.  I do not fear abandonment *as much* as I have in the past. 

I made a decision to change my cell phone number.  Why?  I needed to let go of the past.  I needed to feel renewed.  I no longer need to be held up by strings of the past.

I feel liberated.  The past is where it belongs.

in his arms.

As you could have guessed or assumed from my tweets and blog postings, things with Armani are amazing.

OUT - OF - THIS - WORLD

What do I love?  Why do I love? What makes me love him?

I love the small birthmark he has on his cheek, his lips and the way they kiss me; sending shivers down my spine and butterflies dancing in my belly, his ability to be true, his honesty and genuine heart, the way he interacts with Bacci “wanna go? wanna go?”, how hard he tries to teach Bacci “paw”, he respects me, the way he calls me his “beautiful little lady”, his ability to make me feel beautiful in a pair of boxers and tank, he makes me laugh and smile, he is an unbelievable lover, he makes sure I am comfortable, he says the cutest things to me, he is an excellent farmer, he has drive and ambition, he believes in Karma, he is not embarrassed to kiss me and call me pet names in front of others, the way he holds my hand, the comfort I feel in his arms, the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me…

Oh dear readers:  I have a feeling this list will grow…

I am uninsured perhaps I should move to Canada.

After watching Sicko last night I have realized the one thing that the other countries with Universal Healthcare Coverage have that the US does not is compassion.  Greed in the US outweighs compassion.

If you haven’t seen it. See it.

It also reminded me of why I had hoped Hillary woud have made it to the White House.

It’s been a while hasn’t it?

My apologies…

As much as my blog has fallen to the wayside I don’t want everything to fall to the wayside just because I neglected it for a couple of months.  This isn’t high school and I do not have to avoid y’all because I haven’t been turning in my assignments.

I wouldnt necessarily self-diagnose myself as having Social Anxiety.  I am anxious. I do suffer from Panic Disorder but I have never been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.  I believe many people experience anxiety in social settings, depending upon the circumstance.  Social Anxiety has a wide scope from very mild to severe.

Just recently I have realized the severity of my Social Anxiety is muffled with my consumption of alcohol.  There is rarely a circumstance in a new social setting where I can deal without a drink in hand or a couple of shots beforehand.

I just recently realized that it is a problem.

The realization was made after meeting the prospect, who from now forward we will be called Armani. Why Armani?  Well, that’s what Mani called him as our secret code in the beginning of our relationship.  I am going to run with it for anonymity’s sake.

I do not have to be drunk or drinking to be with Armani.  Sure, I did have a couple of Mojitos before we first met but that was the only circumstance where I felt I had to be drinking to feel at ease.  I am comfortable.  Unfortunately this is the first man I have felt this way with so soon in a relationship.  Sure.  The majority of my past relationships consisted of alcohol either before or during the time I spent with the significant other of the moment.

This made me think harder… Why?

There are many possibilities.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin?  Believe the sober me isn’t interesting enough for anyone?  Believe rejection is easier accepted when intoxicated?

I think its all of the above.

As of right now I am trying my damnest to beat my drinking issues because of Social Anxiety.  I have went out a couple of times now and have not gotten completely intoxicated to feel okay and at ease.  Armani and I drink on occasion but never because we are uncomfortable or nervous.  We drink to relax.

My question to you.   Do you believe you suffer a tad bit from Social Anxiety?  What do you do to calm your nerves?