someone could tell me how I should be feeling right now.

I’m not sure how I feel right now… I landed myself a shitty ass office assistant position where I will be making LESS than I do on unemployment. I know, its a job.

I felt when I actually got a JOB I would feel excited and I’m not. Nope. A tiny bit? Nada.

I’m sitting here at my 5 year old sister’s dance class where she is warming up to “Poker Face” and I can’t smile or laugh. I feel numb.

Side Note: I want to smack the chit chatty suburban mothers talking catty about others, the neighborhood drink specials, and 1st grade field trips. It really is THAT bad.

Well, I’m off to try and disect my feelings or lack of them.

1. Finding a good deal online and then finding a free shipping code.

2. Buying paper towels and toilet paper in BULK. Less trips to the store for mundane items!

3. The fact that Armani enjoys fixing things

4. Playing Operation and Jenga on Wii with your baby brother, sister, and love.

5. Good pizza

Its just one of those days. Twitter is full of tweets about napping and spending the day in bed. Bacci hasn’t even been too enthused to leave the comfort of bed.

How are you spending this Saturday?

1.  Watching Bacci climb upon a snow pile acting all proud because he is usually a little sissy about his paws touching the snow then falling straight down into the snow.

2.  Armani surprising me by doing ALL of our laundry before I even woke up this morning and even better doing it to my expectations.

3.  Iced Tea made at home

4.  Lotion for my dry winter elbows

5.  Scoring super cheap certificates from Restaurant.com

It’s a never-ending drama series regarding myself and L, my brothers gf of 11 years.

I don’t know how to deal.

I once again went to her to discuss how I was feeling in regards to her remaining or even beginning a friendship with my Ex Best Friend of 15+ years.  They were never FRIENDS before I ended my friendship with my Ex Best Friend.  There were times I had to tell Ex Best Friend to layoff talking shit to L because she knew she could get away with it.  On her 25th birthday she questioned if L stole the money for the bar tab.

I ended my friendship with the Ex Best Friend over 2 years ago.  It wasn’t healthy.  She had hurt me both physically and emotionally in the past.  I wasn’t innocent but the animosity we had for each other was too much to bear.  We were like sisters.  My Dad even took temporary custody of her for a year when we were in high school so she could go to my high school and live with us.

The end of the friendship hurt me.  It still kills me to this day.

What hurts the most?  My brother gf who I have been GOOD GOOD, even BEST friends with for many many years and thought of her as my little sister deciding to remain in contact with this girl against my wishes.  I introduced her to designer jeans, brought her to her first club, and never spoke ill of her.

Well… since the breakup with my EX Best Friend she has continued her “friendship” with her.  The funny thing is they NEVER hung out or bonded before I ended things with my Ex Best Friend.

Tears.  I have spoken to her numerous times asking her to respect me and only remain an acquaintance with the girl.  I told her it was not healthy for me to remain in contact with her and I could never attend something that she was also attending.  It would be a disaster.  On L’s past birthday I received a text inviting me to her birthday with the following wording “My Birthday is at blah blah blah.  You are invited but M is going to be there and if you don’t like it then you don’t have to come”.  This was when I was going through all of the shit with Frappe.  I was devastated.

We didn’t speak for the 7 months and started talking again in early December.  She promised she would put our friendship first and only be of an aquaintence to the Ex Best Friend.

Facebook slaps me in the face.  My manipulative Ex Best Friend begins friending my family and then I hear of things from my family members who added her our of curiosity that I didn’t want to hear.  L chit-chatting about how she could not wait to have tacos, pictures of her at my Ex Best Friend’s birthday, etc.

It hurts.  It kills.

I confronted her yesterday.  I cried.  She laughed.  She blamed me for ruining any friendship she has had in the past that has failed.  She pretty much told me “oh well”.

I’m lost.  I see this girl on a daily basis.  My brother lives with me. She will be my SIL in a few years.

This is by far worse than any breakup I have endured.

Advice?  Words to get through this?

NO, this post does not pertain to any type of baby making for me.  QUIET with that nonsense.  I am finally doing okay, not mentally breaking down that is with the fact that Armani has moved in with me!!!  Yes, indeed I am in my 1st adult relationship and dealing with it one freak-out after another but hey I am dealing with it right?  It also helps that I love every ounce of him with every ounce of my beating heart.

Back to the baby business… Armani’s older sister is expecting her first baby, which is a boy in case that matters.  I was thinking of getting her one of these nursing bracelets which can be found here but then I found a digital reminder thingy which can be found here.

I am torn.  I like how simplistic and sentimental the bracelet is but then the baby care timer looks so much more efficient?

Thoughts?

that gets me to post these days, and I am using “these days” loosely; I haven’t blogged in months!  I was quite disturbed when I saw the date of my last post.  Why?  Blogging for me is a way to keep myself sane.  Perhaps this is why I am one emotional fucked up girl these days.  Then again… I doubt it.

It’s my friend DEPRESSION sinking its ugly teeth into my life and BPD cheering him on.

These last few days have been rough.  I am pretty sure the month of January has always been a rough month for me.  All of the rush rush of the holiday season is over and my mind gets back to thinking and over-thinking and analyzing and over-analyzing.

HELLO!  I am happiest when I am busy, thus my mind doesn’t have time to turn evil and backlash at me.

Obviously… blogging is a form of catharsis for me.  I need to hear myself out and read what I write in order to believe it.

Well… was this post a recap of this girls life?  nah… Was it much substance?  nah…  I am not one to just jump the gun and start trusting people with the inside of my mind and life.  Stick around for a bit and I promise I will be coming around here more frequently.  I am just getting my feet wet.  You cant put out on the first date, and trust me this sure and well could be a first date. My last post was dated back in NOVEMBER of 2009!