You probably will not understand. As I cannot even put my thoughts and feelings into words.
Here we go again. I must stop. I know this.
I’m wallowing in three letters, BPD. I’m going too far again.
I’ve been acting out lately, wallowing in my personality disorder, taking things too far again. I push the limits because I can. I take another drink because I can. I act out looking for approval. I become a mess at any given moment, even though I really don’t have to be. I know I have the control but I choose not to use it.That’s just the way I am. Maybe I can change it. I look at myself and ridicule. I then laugh in that high, sarcastic, crazy way.
Remaining stagnant is something I cannot be content with. I attempt to relish in the good that God brings my way. I then give in. I crave disruption. I crave self-deprecation.
Allie says:
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Maybe there’s a way to find a healthy level of disruption. Like a job that keeps you on the road, or some sort of hobby that feeds that need in a constructive way?
September 4th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
blaez says:
i’m with Allie on this one… there’s got to be something “naughty” you can do that isn’t self depricating to the point where it “ruins” your life or relationships…
you could become an exotic dancer. or try to be a lingerie model? take dirty pics and superimpose someone else’s face with em and sell em on the internet… secretly video take someone you hate having raunchy sex and sell it on the internet or hand it out on the street corners
ok ok so… maybe those aren’t the best ideas but i hope i was able to make you smile!!
September 6th, 2009 at 1:01 am
Nora says:
Sending you a big hug.
Not a cureall, surely, but I hope it helps.
Maybe find someone you can talk to come up with some newer coping mechanisms or something?
You’ll be okay. You’ll get through this.
xoxox
September 10th, 2009 at 4:49 pm